Your divorce doesn't have to damage your children

To the recently divorced parent:Your divorce doesn't have to damage your children. Your divorce does not justify and or excuse your child's negative behaviors. As a parent, you have a choice what you expose your children to. Choose not to expose your children to conflict. Choose not to expose your children to negative comments, thoughts, and beliefs about your ex.The effects of divorce on children can vary from nonexistent to significant; it varies on how parents choose to handle things. The first year following a divorce is critical in a child's development and perception of marriage, communication, conflict resolution and relationships. Problems adjusting to divorce most often occur within the first year. As parents you have a choice in how you would like that first year to go.People divorce for a variety of reasons. Ultimately a decision was made to end the relationship and move on in life. It is nearly impossible to move on if parents continuously find themselves stuck in the past. A person cannot move on, let go, or move forward if they remain in the past of what was. When conflict is continuous, children inherently become stuck in the middle. A child cannot heal from the pain and or loss of divorce if there is continued conflict amongst their parents. If a parent does not want divorce to damage their children then ultimately that parent needs to choose reducing conflict, removing themselves from conflict verbal and non-verbal.A person once shared with me observations from childhood following their parents' divorce, recalling the numerous occasions when the father ignored the mother's calls and or text, or the nonverbal cues of eye-rolling, deep sigh, muscle tension and pacing the mother would unknowingly display when their father called. Conflict includes more than just words, it is the actions you as a parent choose to display in the presence of your children. Sometimes saying nothing causes just as ore more damage than saying nothing at all.When talking with individuals on relationships I often ask the following series of questions "Would you want your child to have an identical marriage? Would you encourage your child to stay in the relationship or to terminate the relationship? If your children talked to each other this way what would you do? Is this how you want your child to communicate to his/her spouse? If your most recent interaction with your spouse/ ex was recorded would you want your closest friends and family to view it? Would you share it with your children and grandchildren someday?" I get it, we are human, we will make mistakes, and we will have conflict.Conflict itself is not wrong, conflict is an opportunity for growth. It is how we choose to handle and respond to conflict that determines if it's healthy or unhealthy. If after reviewing these series of questions any response is "no," please take the time and ask yourself why. What can you be doing as an individual to implement change? Children learn from observation. It is not always what we say to do, it is how we do things that have the largest impact on our children. What are your actions teaching your children about communication? Conflict? Relationships?Divorced parents have this tendency of "tit for tat," but 2 wrongs do not make a right. If one person yells, yelling louder does not win the argument — it only harms the child. If a child communicates to you the negative comments or beliefs that your ex made, responding with more negativity does not resolve the problem — it teaches the child to be mean, to minimize the feeling of hurt or anger and take it out on someone else. Take responsibility for yourself. You only have responsibility for yourself. The only thing in life we can control is our own thoughts, feelings and behavioral response. That is it. When going through a divorce choose self-responsibility so that your child can grow up with less conflict.As parents, if we had the ability to eliminate pain and suffering from our children, the world would have no pain and suffering. We obviously do not have that ability. What we can do as parents is choose to not expose our children to unnecessary pain and suffering, unnecessary conflict. We can choose to act in our child's best interest in the present moment so that future is not impaired.This is an opportunity for children to learn unconditional love. That it is possible to still care for others in spite of differences. I will often reference the airplane safety talk — in case of an emergency, place the air mask on yourself first, then take care of and assist the individual next to you. Taking care of yourself first is teaching your child emotional regulation. When we choose to implement self-care, we become more equipped to care for others. We reduce the potential damage on our children and we improve ourselves as parents.Rachel Velishek is a native of Sandusky. A licensed Professional Clinical Counselor ( LPCC) with more than 11 years of professional experience providing clinical diagnostic assessment, psychotherapy for all ages, and relational counseling. Advanced training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy ( CBT), certified in evidenced-based Grief Recovery Method, certified clinical trauma professional and a member of the International Association of Trauma Professionals. Member of the Ohio Counselors Association. Presently residing in Columbus and employed at Licking Memorial Health.Rachel Velishek