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10 things NOT to do on Drunksgiving Eve

Funcoast • May 13, 2015 at 8:42 AM

Ahh, Drunksgiving Eve: an unofficial holiday where the college kids are back in town and everyone and their mother is heading out for one last hurrah before the hectic preparation of a several-dish meal. We’re all about having fun — in fact, we’ll be out and about, too — but we like to be smart about it. Here, you’ll find the top

10 things NOT to do the night before Thanksgiving.

1.) DRIVE. We’re not trying to get all public service announcement on you, but this is just common sense. If you plan on drinking, you’d better have a designated driver — or plan on calling a cab.

2.) RESPOND TO ANYTHING WORK-RELATED. This is just an awful idea, no matter how capable you think you are. Any mistake you made in your email reply will be instantly explained by your 4 a.m. reply time. And a 4 a.m. reply time? Well, that just doesn’t look good.

3.) CHANGE ANY ONLINE PASSWORDS. Here’s our rationale: if you get the urge to change the password to your email/Facebook/Twitter, it’s a sure guarantee that you won’t remember doing it the next day. As for what you changed it to, well, that’s anyone’s guess.

4.) Now that we’re on the subject of the Internet, here’s another stellar tip: PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DESCRIBING YOUR LEVEL OF INTOXICATION IN A STATUS UPDATE -— once you do it, there’s no going back. After all, it’s not like everyone’s not going to see you tagged the next morning in a sequence of photos illustrating your attempt to chug a mixture of vodka and applesauce.

5.)  Which brings us to our next point: AVOID PHOTOS! (At least, photos Mom would disapprove of.)

6.) USE YOUR CREDIT CARD FOR THINGS OTHER THAN FOOD OR BAR-RELATED EXPENSES. Now is really not the time to purchase that 72” flat screen TV, no matter how good the game’s going to look on it. Do yourself a favor and table that thought: your wife (or husband) will not be pleased to see a $1500 purchase on next month’s bill.

7.) CALL, EMAIL OR TEXT AN EX. This is just stupid. Once your current boyfriend/girlfriend picks up the phone that you, in your drunken stupor, left open on the bar with the words “New Message” flashing on the screen every few minutes, they might wonder who you’ve been texting all night. Then, your night will be ruined with lots of drunken arguments, followed by passive-aggressive comments at the dinner table the next day. This rule may also be translated to the following: if you know your ex is barhopping in the same vicinity of you, avoid a run-in.

8.) DON'T ENGAGE IN FEATS OF STRENGTH. We know that sometimes, alcohol makes you feel super-human — and yes, it dulls physical pain — but just imagine how uncomfortable it’s going to be when you have to explain your black eye, broken arm and neck brace to Grandma at Thanksgiving dinner.

9.) DON'T ATTEMPT TO ALTER YOUR APPEARANCE IN ANY WAY. This includes (but is not limited to) cutting your own hair, getting tattooed (you’re likely to get something stupid, like Yosemite Sam or the sailor design out of the shop’s catalog of generic images) or trying to apply mass quantities of mascara (you are cruising for an eye patch with this one).

10.) DON'T START STUFF WITH THE COPS. I mean, really? They’re just doing their jobs. Also, you could end up in the drunk tank for hours, and we don’t think you want to arrive to Thanksgiving dinner with the fam looking pretty rough (and smelling even worse).

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