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Power, wealth and fame (are not in your future)

Ashley Bethard • Sep 1, 2010 at 4:47 PM

Below you’ll find a quirky roundup of horoscopes — maybe even one of the best ones we’ve had, thanks to Marbella-Guide.com. Here, you’ll get a glimpse into the light and dark side of each sign’s personality.


March 21-April 19

Aries are confused, unpredictable and generally blurry. So is their future. In fact, nobody can predict the future of an Aries – not even cosmologists, who are capable of proposing theories about very distant future things, such as how the universe will end. If anyone claims to be able to tell an Aries’ future, they’re definitely lying. Saying that something terribly tragic will happen one day doesn’t count as predicting an Aries’ future. Everyone knows that.


April 20-May 20

In a sense, the future belongs to Taurus because they often get their way in the end, not by being persuasive, but by patiently waiting long enough and generally being a pain. And in a sense it doesn’t, because death is in much less of a hurry and always wins the waiting game eventually. A Taurus will probably save up a considerable amount of money over the years. Inflation will see to it that this money will be worthless whenever it’s most needed. A Taurus is also very likely to die of malnutrition or to be killed in a botched burglary.


May 21-June 21

Gemini lead pretty boring, mundane lives. However, it is in every Gemini’s destiny to one day discover something that will change their life forever. It could be a terrible family secret, a hidden talent, or simply the convenience of frozen pizza. The good news is that the Gemini is well adapted to change. No matter what comes along, they will learn to live with it, make the best of it or even pop it into the microwave on Low Mix/Bake for about 15 minutes.


June 22-July 22

Passion and intrigue await the Cancer-born, but the initial glamour will soon give way to record stress levels and inevitable heart disease. Cancers are destined to wander from one mess to another, scavenging for an elusive happiness but acquiring little more than the chronic bad breath and a dreadful, all-pervading, chain-smoking smell. Whatever money they manage to save up will soon find itself in the pockets of air-freshener and deodorant companies.


July 23-August 22

Leos are born optimists. They never worry about the future, and the future doesn’t give a hoot about them, either. Leos always have a silly smirk on their face that reveals their happy-go-lucky nature and will eventually make everyone hate their guts. Leos really have it coming! One day they will find themselves in a horrible misadventure that is incredibly stranger (and infinitely more amusing) than any silly story they ever told. The saddest thing is that they will be certified crazy, bound in a straight jacket and removed from society as soon as they actually get to talk about it.


August 23-September 22

Virgo’s future is not quite as uneventful as it is eventless. Fast-food dinners for one don’t quite fit into the category of events. Long nights munching chips in front of movie reruns are definitely not events. And Saturdays spent home alone listening to old rock albums at full volume only manage to make it into the realm of ‘minor incidents’ at around 10:30 p.m. when the police finally pop round investigate the neighbors’ complaints. That’s life for a Virgo, though most admit that it could be worse.


September 23-October 23

The sad truth is that the Earth’s natural spaces are gradually being destroyed. This is particularly bad news for Libras, who are increasingly finding themselves out of a job with precious little left to protect. In fact it is expected that by the year 2030, around 80% of Libras will be on the dole. This is likely to result in a surge in all aspects of art: especially film and music, as Libras look to divert their energies elsewhere. The upside is cheaper cinema tickets for all, as supply outstrips demand. The downside: higher taxes. Libras should beware of anyone reading “The Catcher in the Rye,” as they’re probably out to kill you.


October 24-November 21

Power! Wealth! Maybe even fame! Such is what lies in store for any Scorpio who lives up to their name. And they will need plenty of all that because it takes a lot of distraction to repress the feeling of utter loneliness. Scorpios make many enemies and have to be extremely careful not to ever let down their guard. Many Scorpios who do not choke on sugar-coated peanuts are murdered by their so-called friends or jilted lovers.


November 22-December 21

Every time a philosophical question is answered, 10 more spring up out of the blue to take its place. This is Nature’s way of keeping Sagittarian philosophers busy (which is not quite the same as gainfully employed). Unfortunately, Nature isn’t smiling down upon the rest of Sagittarians who, after a short stint as “ruthless personnel managers” are bound to wind up as “sewer maintenance engineers,” where they’ll be in charge of a small army of rats and a few dozen giant cockroaches. Eventually, too much thought — or too little — ruins the Sagittarian’s mind, and many Sagittarians who live long enough end up getting dementia.


December 22-January 19

Capricorns look towards the future with great anticipation. They hope for a time when robotic servants become a reality. They call this glorious future moment when they will be able to do absolutely nothing at all “Hab SoSlI’ Quch,” which is Klingon for “Heaven on Earth.” What Capricorns do not know is that their heads will be the first on the line when the robots eventually become intelligent enough to revolt against their human oppressors. This will catch them completely unawares, which is terribly ironic after so many years of watching sci-fi movies about exactly such a revolution.


January 20-February 18

Aquarians have great hope in the future — in what they call the New Age of Aquarius. That’s where they believe great progress and ultimate knowledge lie, not to mention actual fun stuff like arcane rituals, magic potions and naked moonlit dances. The real truth is that one day an Aquarian will come up with some invention that will spell the doom of the whole human race. The only way to avoid this catastrophe is to spell the doom of each and every Aquarian before he gets the chance to invent anything at all. The only problem is that doom is very easy to spell, but most people cannot spell “Aquarian.”


February 19-March 20

Pisceans live life day by day, which is not a bad thing when your future is as rotten as a spring egg at Christmas. Whatever a Piscean tries to do, he will fail. In theory, a Piscean can succeed by deliberately trying to fail, but that’s just not the way it works. If a Piscean tries to fail, he will simply fail miserably; if he tries to fail miserably, he will totally, utterly and completely fail; and if he deliberately tries to do all that, Nature will smite him for being so arrogant.

Lead Art: "Your Name Here"...or maybe not.

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