Funcoast.com has searched the web for the wackiest, wildest horoscopes — all in the name of entertainment. Today’s silly, star-struck advice was found on Harraway Enterprises' website, which was kind of ridiculous — I was especially interested that it featured a photo of Tupac (or rather, a Tupac impersonator). Naturally, we did some tweaking of the originals to make them Funcoast-appropriate.
(21 March – 20 April)
Okay. Let’s not pull any punches here. Let’s be brutally honest. Whitney Houston is an Aries. Chaka Khan is an Aries. Aretha Franklin, Diana Ross, Celine Dion and Rosie O’Donnell all share your sign. Why are you all such loud mouths? Really. You need to sit down and shut up. Have you ever thought that maybe your friends don’t want your advice?
(21 April – 21 May)
You need to chill. Possessions don’t make you who you are. Your lucky numbers 6 and 4 do. Think about it: there are probably countless scenarios threaded throughout your life in which the numbers 6 and 4 make themselves evident. Really. Think about it. No really. It’s true. I mean, I’m actually surprised that your Venus-ruled self hasn’t realized this until now. It’s obvious. Focus on those numbers and you’ll always remain true to your astrological course. Seriously.
(22 May – 21 June)
It’s time to start paying more attention to your health. You may have some problems lurking under the surface that you are unaware of or have just plain pushed out of your head. It’s time to discover what’s really going on with your body. Visit your physician. Do a complete examination. This examination might reveal evidence that eases your mind, but more than likely you have a serious problem that truly needs to be addressed. Stop avoiding it. It’s not just going to go away because you don’t pay attention to it. Whatever the case, things don’t look good. Spend as much time with your loved ones as you can, because you really never know when your time here on earth could be spontaneously cut short. Life’s crazy like that. With your level of health, it’s even crazier. Tell everyone you love them. Now’s a good time to put your will in writing. Lose some weight to extend what time you do have and give yourself more energy. Sorry. It’s in the stars.
(22 June – 22 July)
Your partner needs to be told what you’re thinking, because that’s the only way they’ll actually know what you’re thinking. They’re not psychic, are they? Well, are they? Think about it. Honesty is the best policy. The same goes for the workplace. This week is going to be especially hectic, so don’t take any crap from anybody. Be sure to mow over anyone who can’t seem to keep up, anyone who slows you down. Use your stapler as a weapon. Open it up and aim it at lazy co-workers, then click staples at them. For special people, press it against the back of their necks and impale them with the sharp metal stationary tools. Bend paper clips into two pronged forks, then use rubber bands to catapult them across cubicles and into people’s lines of vision. This is very important — the stars tell you to do this.
(23 July – 22 August)
The energy and gravity and stars and alignments all point towards downtown. Third Street is what it’s all about. You’ve got to be on Third Street, around Third Street, anywhere down by Third Street. Your energy in that vicinity is quite powerful. Simply driving down Third Street, you’re likely to meet someone or end up in some kind of lucky situation. If you actually get out of the car and walk, your chances of increasing your luck and energy will be greatly multiplied. For some reason, the later at night you do this the better as well. Show up in the middle of the night around 3:30 a.m. Bring sandwiches, soda and portable chairs. Pull up a seat. Kick it. Something good is going to happen. Something real good. You are safe from all harm this week. You can come up quick and easy just by hanging out on Third Street. You are so lucky.
(23 August – 21 September)
Most people don’t think about the details like you do. Most people just cruise through life consuming and eating and working and dancing and listening to various musicians and watching television and movies occasionally and dancing and playing and visiting family. Not you. You look at the deeper details, issues and workings of the world. That is why this week you will create a new invention that could possibly revolutionize the world. Well, you’ll at least have the idea for a new invention that could revolutionize the world. It’ a up to you whether or not you actually take that idea and do something with it. Get a patent. Build a prototype. Make schematics and blueprints. It’s worth it. You need to do this before your clarity on the topic fades.
(22 September – 22 October)
What’s the deal? Why do you have to spend all the money? Can’t you just put a cap on the spending for Pete’s sake? Can’t you just stop shopping and buying stuff? What about saving money, huh? Whatever happened to that? Huh? If you continue on your present course things are going to get bad for you. As in, you’ll be broke. Yeah. Laugh all you want, but money won’t continue coming in. Nope. Sure doesn’t. In fact, the stars have a little surprise in store for you in a just a few weeks, so you might want to start saving up. It would be unfortunate if you had to prostitute yourself out in the streets for a while wouldn’t it? Yeah. It would. So chill. Relax. Save the dough.
(23 October – 21 November)
You need to get out more. I mean, desperately. Instead of tripping out over your main squeeze’s extracurricular activities why not get out there and do some stuff of your own. Or why not meet some of your main squeeze’s friends while you’re at it. Get out there and party. Go to the club and break it down. Move it around a little bit. Pray to the Lord for courage whenever you go to the restroom, but don’t tip the bathroom attendant. That’ll only encourage them. Make sure to take all of the little attendant’s snacks and chewing gum and partake of all the colognes and perfumes. Yeah. That’ll give you extra astrological power.
(22 November – 21 December)
This week you will find the perfect opportunity to embezzle money from your company. Take advantage. You’ll never get caught. Here’s a genuine no risk way to get that bonus you’ve been asking the boss about for the past few weeks. He won’t give it to you? Forget him. Take it. Follow the true American tradition of taking what you want when you want it. Be aggressive.
(22 December – 20 January)
But as far as being competitive, healthy, secure, gifted and infected, you're on your way. Ludacris is about to reference you in a radio hit. Watch. I read that weeks ago in the horoscopes and now here I am, being rhymed to in a debauched Ludacris track. And when the DJs scratch it to repeat your actual name over and over and over, it's over. This is your time to shine. Everyone's gonna know your name. Everyone who listens to Luda, that is.
(21 January – 19 February)
For the most part, you’ve good ideas that amaze, startle and shock your coworkers and acquaintances. But sometimes you’re just too high in the sky, too caught up in your daydreams and fantasies, too out of touch with reality — you know what I’m saying? You need to take a look around. Focus. Be more realistic and just chill. This planet's been around for a few minutes and it's going to stay around for a few more once you’re gone. Don't trip. It's the same crap that's been happening for thousands of years except now it's all digital. Come back to earth for a minute. Get in touch with the people. That's important for you now. Otherwise you risk getting so far out that no one will be able to connect with you. Not even the prostitutes.
(20 February – 20 March)
So, you thought no one knew? Huh? You thought no one would find out, huh? You sneaky little bastard. This isn't childhood antics in the early evening while mother's doing the dishes and singing hymns that we're talking about here. This is real serious stuff. Besides, mother caught you back then. What makes you think "mother" won't catch you this time? Only now, the stakes are higher. The police? No, no, we won't say a thing. You know what you did. You know what's going to happen when they find you. It's only a matter of time. Sit tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. Cover yourself. Stay dominant.