Men make mischief at Island Town Hall

Jun 29, 2013


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Put-in-Bay Police


June 22, 2013
1:41 a.m. — 400 block Catawba Ave., Nicolas Shepherd, 27, Grand Rapids, Mich., criminal mischief, obstructing official business; officer heard banging in town hall, saw Shepherd and another man send dolly down stairs; pair ran when they saw officer, then threw 5-gallon water jug at officer; jug broke, water spilled down steps, officer caught Shepherd.



Officer typed report of incident, used vague descriptive terms, badbutt water spiller captured.

The Hero Zone's picture
The Hero Zone

I feel that officer reports would be a lot more fun to read and report on in a blotter if they were written noir-style. How much cooler would it have been if it read something like...

I was on my usual route and thankful this part of the loop took me away from the animals in the cageless zoo. Municipal buildings, other places that are closed and peaceful on a night like this. Or, rather, should be...

I heard a noise. Great. A drunk idiot? Espionage? It was town hall, either could be possible. I got a wife and pile of kids at home and they want their dad coming home tonight. Yet, I had a job to do. I drew my sidearm, my partner, at least my only one since...

No time to reminisce. The barrel glinted in the moonlight reminding me why I named her Hahlessee - Seminole for "moon". I keep her cleaner than a virgin's honeypot and she screams twice as loud when put to spurs. Depending on this guy's motive, he may get to hear her song.

Suddenly a noise like thunder rolling through a canyon erupted as a huck of metal careened down a flight of stairs. They knew I was here...rookie mistake. It'll cost me, but I'll be the ones to make them pay.

I gave chase, boots pounding the stairs. The crazy fool was desperate, his eye were wide and wild but I was an unstoppable force at that point. Like Poseidon I controlled the water as his next attack rolled under me, a crushing wave that could have killed a lesser man.

He darted. Left! No, right! My heart was pounding quickly. I thought of my wife, my kids, hell, I even thought of the innocent drunkards shambling around my town like zombies. They didn't deserve the likes of a guy like this preying on them. I was their shield, their avenger.

A clear break! The fool didn't know what hit him. Hahlessee was sheathed, she was too good for him. Rest tonight, Hahlessee. I gained speed and lunged. My arms wrapped around him and clenched like a bear trap. I was on him like a hobo on a ham sandwich.

As he was being hauled off his mouth poured vile slime, a frothing madness like that of a rabid badger. Honey badger at that, nasty creature. Maybe a stint in the pokey could straighten him out - heh - a bit of an oxymoron all things considered...


Thanks for the chuckle! Nothing better than a good short-story.

The Hero Zone's picture
The Hero Zone

You are quite welcome! Maybe I could give the noir treatment to a few other blotters here, too, as a fun exercise. Glad you enjoyed it.


GREAT STUFF, HZ! A mix of Mark Twain and Edgar Allen Poe. Cops hate paper work, or so I've been told by many of them.

digger nick

This is really pretty amazing as on even their best day the PIB Police struggle to even catch a cold.