Don't be a sugardaddy at 35

Eda M. Handly
Jun 19, 2013

Q: I can't stop trying to seek help from untrained, unlicensed people. - Joe 
 
A: Dear Joe, if the majority of your spare time is spent trolling the Internet and causing unwarranted and unprovoked drama, you may very well be in need of someone who is “trained” and/or “licensed” and quite possibly a prescription for some type of medication.
 
Q: My girlfriend of only two months has recently started almost forcing herself on me and wanting to be attached to my hip. There is a big age difference and I knew going in, it might be a problem. I’m 35 and she is 23. She doesn’t have much and my gut is telling me maybe she is just looking for someone to take care of her. Either way, it’s too much too fast. I have tried to tell her, but it doesn’t sink in. How do I handle her without being a bad guy?
 
A: You know the situation better than anyone and if your gut is telling you something isn’t right, you need to follow that instinct. You tried to tell her, but it isn’t sinking in? So, tell her again. Simply say, “I’m breaking up with you, lose my number, and leave me alone.” Then, refuse to answer her calls. That’s pretty cut and dry. If that doesn’t do the trick then you have a bigger problem than expected. Get mean if you have to. Unfortunately, that’s the only language some people understand. They just don’t get it until there is nothing left to do but turn coldhearted. Trust me, if she’s this attached already, you’re going to be the bad guy no matter what you do or say. Do you want her to get the message or do you want to be the “nice guy” who is guilted into being a sugar daddy before you’re even 40? It’s never fun to hurt someone’s feelings, but occasionally there isn’t an alternative, and it has to be done.

Comments

SamAdams

@Joe: Best. Ask Eda question. EVER!

FlyBoy86

+1. You're right, that was good.

Eda M. Handly

It was a good one wasn't it? I particularly enjoyed his hostile email in response to my using his question, which, I assume he didn't think I would...

Jeffery, Joe, xdefiance, whatever his name is, sent me this email after this column was posted today:

"For some reason I am not able to respond to this poorly written article. The author obviously doesn't understand the internet. Not everyone on here is trolling. Most are learning. We've been learning way before you wrote this crappy article on a crappy blog.

Consider converting the SR into a forums. Oh that thought never accrued to you did it?
Don't be a sugardaddy at 35

A": Dear Joe, if the majority of your spare time is spent trolling the Internet and causing unwarranted and unprovoked drama, you may very well be in need of someone who is “trained” and/or “licensed” and quite possibly a prescription for some type of medication."

Honestly you cant write anything better than that? [expelative] you don't need a liscenesed practictioner to get meds or drugs online. Ever hear of the Silk Road??? RC's? --> USPS. And yes of course, thje vendors are abiding the law of all states.

You are obviously uninformed.

When you read something on the net escpecially on the SR blog don't assume everyone is trolling and DEFINITLY dont assume they are untrained or not well read on any given topic they enter into.

Have some respect before you post something so silly like this.

XDEFiANCE"

I'm thinking my initial response was an adequate observation. Thanks for reading and the comments.

Blues

+1!

Nemesis

Your initial response was arrogant and presumptive, and indicates you might be too thin skinned and full of yourself for this role. To suggest that someone might need professional help because they give you a hard time is more indicative of your own need for professional help Get over yourself, Eda. How much of his spare time do you think the initial question took? Maybe 5 minutes, and for that five minutes, he and many other readers were well entertained. Unwarranted drama? YOUR COLUMN IS ALL ABOUT DRAMA. Make no mistake, Eda, dear, your column does not exist to help those who ask you questions. The SR is a business and derives no revenue from any help you may effect. Your column exists to get people to buy the paper, or to indirectly stimulate ad revenue by getting people to read the website. Whatever pretense you may use to stroke your ego, in writing this column you are in the entertainment business, and if anyone in our litigation happy society ever attempts to take you or the SR to court over a bad outcome to following your advice here, the first thing a competent attorney will do is move for a dismissal on the grounds that your column is for entertainment purposes only. Without drama in the questions, your readership would plummet.

By the way, the thrust of Joe's question, that it's inappropriate for someone without training and licensing to be doing what you do, is widely held, including by the majority of those who would support much of the advice you've given.

TboneWalkerJr

Eda. One suggestion. use "(sic)" when quoting mis-spelled words

Eda M. Handly

Good suggestion. Haven't used that since I wrote legal briefs. Thanks.

Licorice Schtick

Re: "Best. Ask Eda question. EVER!" -

Eda's answer telling. She thinks anyone who mocks or criticizes her must be need of counceling and/or medication? Really? She needs to grow up and grow some thicker skin. Her answer actually validated Joe's comment.

Rather than attacking her critic, she could have responded to the criticism. And in this case, the strongest response may be concession.

Pauline Phillips, or "Dear Abby" practically invented the genre to which Eda seems to aspire. She had absolutely NO qualifications. Neither she nor her equally-sucessful sister "Ann Landers" would have been so defensive.

It could be argued that they wrote humor and entertainment. I think they were valued for their concise and often witty answers that were never mean and always long on uncommon sense.

And they admitted when they were wrong.

Their personas displayed self-depreciation and no ego. They didn't portray themselves as experts in anything, consulting experts when appropriate - psychologists, doctors, lawyer, scientists - and they let everyone know it.

That was wise and ethical. I think maybe anyone who publishes a column that could be construed as rendering a service without required professional credentials is taking a legal risk.

But I'm not a lawyer.

Eda M. Handly

Thanks for the comment. But I really must set the record straight: I never claim to be an expert. However if my opinions can help some, that's fantastic. While you may find my first response to the "critic" as egotistical and perhaps unwise, I wrote it because I thought it was humorous. Of course, sense of humor will differ as much as opinions. There are no legal implications here. I don't claim to be an expert. I am first and foremost a writer. And writing an opinion on any given situation is not taking a legal risk. Free advice written in a column shouldn't be considered a "service" by your definition. Is it a service when you ask a friend for advice on any situation? I simply give my opinion based on my own personal experiences.

Licorice Schtick

Humorous? Really? In mental illness? And without a shred of malice or meanness?

You said, "And writing an opinion on any given situation is not taking a legal risk."

I see. Then your field is law.

Why should someone who can't take advice be trusted to give it? Ever hear the saying, "When you find yourself in a hole, stop digging?" You can't win this debate by continuing it. You can only move on and try to give ever-better, pithier, wittier advice.

Eda M. Handly

There is no debate here. Thanks for your opinions.

Nemesis

Actually, Licorice, I'll concede that Eda is qualified to comment on matters of law, probably more so than on the subjects of this column.

There have been cases where people have been held liable for writing advice - self-help author Laura Davis, for instance, but I doubt that precedent would ever apply to this column.

Nemesis

Eda, anyone with the wherewithal to google your name knows that you DO hold yourself out as an expert, and can reasonably conclude that this column is at least partially intended as marketing for your business. (For those who don't know it, Eda also hangs out a shingle as a "life and relationships coach."

Eda M. Handly

I have never placed expert by my name. Coach, sure. That's because I am a certified coach. However, I no longer promote myself as such. I much more enjoy writing about the subject. When people can take something from it, all the better. The only thing I wish to promote is this column, my book, and future books. Though you do remind me to tweak certain aspects of my website that I may have missed.

Nemesis

So the column is one big book promotion. Same difference. Nothing wrong with that - there's a lawyer writing a column to promote his foreclosure defense practice, and unlike him, you have the courage to allow comments. Just be honest and lose the pretense that it's some huge boon to mankind that only a dangerous loon would dare to criticize.

Eda M. Handly

No Nemesis. This column is not one big book promotion. The book was started long before the column began and finished just recently. But, as with everything, take that as you will.

Nemesis

The fact that the book was started long before the column has no bearing on the column's effect or purpose as a promotional vehicle, and I expect someone smart enough to be giving advice to the general public to understand that. One doesn't promote that which isn't ready for market, especially given the number of books that are never completed. Methinks the lady protesteth overmuch. Grasping at irrelevant timeline straws to support your contention only makes it seem more false, and for what? There's nothing wrong with using the column to promote your book - it's good healthy capitalism, for which I applaud you, since most people with your views tend to prefer socialism. The only problem is the haughty pretense in your initial response to Joe just won't wash with the reality that this column exists primarily as entertainment. To quote Sgt Hulka, lighten up, Francis.

Eda M. Handly

Well, Nemesis, at this point I all I can say is, I am only responsible for what I say not what you understand.

Nemesis

Whatever. If you expect to make an assertion with any credibility, you're responsible for offering support for it that is actually relevant.

Eda M. Handly

And actually, Nemesis, the definition of expert is one who has acquired advanced knowledge and or skills in a certain area. I have more experience in love and relationships than any one person I know. Expert? I wouldn't use that term but it wouldn't be too far from the definition I suppose.

SamAdams

Hmmmm...Anybody with "more experience in love and relationships than any one person I know" translates as "I've had a BOATLOAD of relationships!" And, as is patently obvious, THAT correlates to, "I've had a boatload of relationships because I can't get it right." And I'd take relationship advice from you because...?

Nemesis

There's a word for someone with that sort of experience, and it certainly isn't 'expert' - it isn't even very nice.

Darn it, Sam, when Eda first said that, I TRIED to behave, but you set it up so nicely, I just couldn't resist.

Eda M. Handly

Wow, Nemesis. I thought you had a little more couth than that. My mistake...

Nemesis

After your past responses, don't you think it's a little late to play the indignant Victorian prudery card?

Eda M. Handly

Nemesis, you could hardly offend me and my future husband certainly doesn't complain about my "experience." After all, his opinion certainly trumps yours. I don't even know you. Or do I? I get the feeling we used to work together some way, shape or form, since you "concede" my knowledge about law. And placing "prude" in any sentence addressing me kinda defeats your last comment ;)

Nemesis

Eda, your response missed funny by a country mile.

thinkagain

“…stalking and harassing”

Like how Handly responds to her critics.

At least she has finally admitted to being nothing more than an opinionated hack.

It's been fun. And again, thanks for reading!

FlyBoy86

To the "Sugardaddy". I had this problem once...when I was 24...it's called stop flashing your money. You only flash your money to the chicks who you want to get laid with once, that's it. Then you give them a fake number. Here's a good one, +1 440.290.2640.

Eda M. Handly

Nice! I'm sure that will come in handy to some :)

starryeyes83

@ Future Sugardaddy.....put those Red Ball Jets on and RUN like Hell!! Oh, and pray the girl isn't preggers.

@ Joe ...good one.

deertracker

@Sugardaddy
Follow your gut instincts!

Licorice Schtick
Blues

+1

Licorice Schtick

Seriously, though, dude, it sounds like you may be dealing with a borderline* and if you handle this the way Eda says, she'll probably stalk you and sabotage you for a long time and hate you for the rest of her life.

The meathook-grade Velcro (tm) is because she already senses the impending escape. This type is terrified of being alone. You need to be more conniving than she, and that's a lot.

She's more worried about being with you than doing so on her terms. Bring other guys (but not friends) along. Horny ones, and of the type she would find attractive. Then stay out of the way whenever possible. You may be amazed at how quickly you problem ends and you can end it as "friends," which, trust me, it the goal.

* Disclaimer - I know nothing about anything. For more info on personality disorders in general and borderlines in particular, check this out:

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/t...

J Cooper

What professional does this Edna have, any advanced degrees in human behavior, psychology, or is she one of the many on the Register blogs who has a friend at the paper? "Oh I am a paralegal, now I think I will be a life coach, call my friend at the Register, I am know officially an expert."

Blues

Don't like it, J.C? Don't read it. If you do "force" yourself to read it, your bitching about it means nothing if you have nothing to offer in return. It's like cussing at the sky because it's raining and you wanted to play baseball.

I personally think Eda has things to offer. If she doesn't have the experience, her blog comments show others that DO. Differences of opinion, of course, happen all the time. Just because you don't agree, ah well...if you are really intelligent, you know where this is going....

How about when you disagree, that you say you have a different opinion and why, instead of slamming the author?

Should guys have to put the seat down for the girls, J.C.?

Blues

Q 2...run like hell...

2cents's picture
2cents

I say you are in or you are out, www.sugardaddie.com, if you want to play the game the rules are none and you know going in. Flash the cash and expect it to be taken, there are all kinds of people out there. : )

LadyC

So, Sugardaddy, did you sleep with her early into the relationship? If so, maybe you better cut that out of the picture. Your gut may be telling you she is looking for someone to "take care of her" when she may actually be thinking you have feelings for her, and like a lot of young people, move pretty fast when they think they've found "the one." Sometimes if you wanna dance you gotta pay the band.

Eda M. Handly

Very good point lady.

rippedhippy1

I find it very funny that "Joe" can submit such a stupid question, and then turn right around and tell Eda to have some respect before posting something silly. Bravo, Joe!

Eda M. Handly

Thanks ripped. Yes, he also found me on Facebook under two assumed names and continued with his antics and I thought it best to document. There is a difference in being a critic and potentially stalking and harassing.

Nemesis

Well, in that case, you should be angry - criticism is one thing, but following you to other, unrelated venues crosses the line.

While his initial question was a nice underhanded burn, what you describe is just plain wrong, and I'm hardly your biggest fan.

Eda M. Handly

Actually I posted his question because I thought it was funny and some of you who are not my biggest fans would get a kick out of it as well. The other things just creeped me out but turn out to be the work of someone else, not him. Still, whoever it was, it was inappropriate, but handled. Thanks.

Nemesis

The only thing worse than a stalker is a pack of stalkers. Be safe.

Eda M. Handly

Always. Thanks again.

OHIOHOOSIER76

The question I have is why does anyone write to Eda? Any life coach that is worth a dime wouldn't casually throw around the need for meds like she has here. If the SR was smart, they'd drop her 'column'. Dear Eda is far from being in the Dear Abby league.

Yellow Snow

One plus one will always equal two, gravity will always be the reason I fall, there 356 days in a year, 12 equals one dozen, love will always trump sex, and many times the "old" ways are the best ways.
Don't confuse those temporary butterflies with love. Love isn't always easy, but you don't give up on it, nor do you confuse it with temporary infatuation or lust. When you truly find love, you never let it go. I've attended 5 funerals in the last 3 week, they've all lasted a lifetime. Then again, I believe in the tried and true.

TboneWalkerJr

Dear Sugardaddy,

TAKE ALL YOU CAN GET while you can get it. You've got a 23 yr old at age 35? Count your blessings, then get back to bed (hint - not for sleep) Just don't marry her or propose and she can take your things.

For god's sake, what are you whining about. STOP overthinking it and hump like rabbits