It's life, not Teen Mom

Eda M. Handly
Jun 12, 2013

 

Q: I'm 18 and 37 weeks pregnant. My baby's father left a few weeks after we found out and refuses to tell his family and denies it to his friends. Anyways, this led me to another guy who is also my age and we went to school together as kids. I was about 16 weeks pregnant when we hung out and it was just through a mutual friend. After that we went on a couple dates and he knew I was pregnant. He asked me to be his girlfriend but the past month or two he's been going back and forth. His family isn't too thrilled that he's dating a pregnant girl and they say he's messing up his life by being with me. He's on the verge of breaking up for good. He says he loves my baby but doesn’t think he will get over the fact that my first-born isn't his. I don't understand why his family can't just accept the fact that it's his life and if he makes a mistake so be it. But I am not and will not accept any help from him. I only want him to be my boyfriend. Not a dad to my daughter. Maybe in the future, but not right now. I do love this guy but it's so hard dealing with "I'm sorry I can’t take my family anymore," to "I love you and I was just being dumb." I shouldn't be this stressed and I guess I'm asking for advice on how to handle the situation. I can't lose him. He has been my rock through this whole experience.

A: You shouldn’t be this stressed over a guy who is making a decision to not get involved in a situation that is extremely detrimental to his future. And frankly, I don’t blame his family for feeling the way they do. You should be more stressed about the guy who helped create your current “condition” and took off without a second thought. The last thing you need right now is a boyfriend. You need to consider how your life is going to rapidly change in a few short weeks once you have another human being to take care of other than yourself. How can you expect yet another guy to take on a responsibility he isn’t ready for? The more important question is, are you ready? You’re not looking for anyone to be dad? You shouldn’t be because that baby already has a dad. Once that baby is born you better have the court papers ready to get a DNA test done and file for child support. Once the court has the DNA test, the father can’t deny it any longer and will be forced to, at least, take financial responsibility. Do you have a support system other than this “boyfriend” who rightfully can’t decide if he wants to wear that title? It’s time to lean on your family and figure out your life and the future of your child’s life before worrying about how to handle this situation. You have entirely too much on your plate right now, and this should not be your first priority. Get your life together and worry about taking care of that baby. Men will come later. This isn’t an episode of Teen Mom. Welcome to reality.

Q: My girl got out of a serious relationship of four years. We have been dating for four months now. Everything was going fine until she said everything was going too fast. Now she says she's confused and doesn't know what she wants as far as sex, kissing, etc. So I said okay, but it's going to be hard to do things one to one so it has to stop. So anyway, a week ago she calls me up asking to do a bunch of things together and I'm confused because I don't know if she feels she made a mistake or is she playing me? Do I make another move on her?

A: The girl has just freed herself from a four-year relationship. Give her a break! I hope she has enough sense not to rebound right into another. She’s not playing you. She sounds like she’s interested and enjoys your company. But when she says things are going too fast, that’s exactly what she means. There are no lines to read between there. Chill out and let things happen. Just because she wants to hang out doesn’t mean she’s ready to take it further. Last I checked, slow down meant — slow down. What’s confusing about that?
 

Comments

starryeyes83

A sperm donor and a dad are two very different things.

asweetnessabove

Any man can be a father/SD. But it takes a special man to be a daddy!

starryeyes83

just what I said, only in a different way :)

asweetnessabove

I knew that :). It's always been one of my favorite sayings because it applied to my grandmother (her father died when she was young), my mom, myself and now my daughter. All of our dads were real men and stepped up and became our fathers. I got my dad a bumper sticker that said it. Cheesy, I know. But couldn't help it. :)

SamAdams

If you really loved that baby, and if you really cared at ALL about yourself, you'd consider giving it to parents who are ready for a child — emotionally AND financially. Do I approve of the baby daddy taking off? Of course not! But if he's as young as you are, I understand it! Kudos to you for not taking the "easy" way out by aborting your little girl, but again, if you love the child, reconsider whether you shouldn't give it a better life than you can right now.

For the record, yes, I know what I'm talking about. I happen to be adopted myself, and have also given a child up. Is it easy? No. In fact, it'll be the hardest thing you'll ever do. But it will ALSO be the BEST thing you'll ever do!

SanduskyExpat

My husband are approved by an agency (over a year-long process) and are waiting for a child. Waiting for an adoptive parent to pick us. Waiting for a miracle. Open adoption is common now, and is where you would still have contact with the child and family! Think about it!!!

Eda M. Handly

Wishing you and your husband all the best Expat!

SanduskyExpat

Aw, thanks. We can't wait. We hope a call will come any day now, but it's all up to people seeing our profile and choosing us. Fingers crossed!

But honestly, OP, if it's something that you are thinking about or would consider, I will give you my information! I would be happy to discuss anything with you or give you any information you would need!

TboneWalkerJr

Dear Loose Woman, You have no idea what love is. You don't even know how to have safe sex. Which future boyfriend will be the one who shakes your baby so hard its eyes pop out and becomes a lifelong vegetable. You are an immature child. Give the baby up to a responsible adult, something you are a long way from becoming, if ever

Blues

I am not touching any points on either one of these because I cannot smack sense into anyone through the internet, YET. I just want to say that some growing up needs done before any concrete decisions are made.

WaterStreetCooncat

Dear Operation Edith: One of my many female mates is constantly in heat. I've sired many a baby Cooncat & can't handle anymore! They don't make BET Cards or WIC for felines. What is a feline casanova to do?

starryeyes83

get clipped and pronto!

meowmix

WaterStreetCooncat: I am an old feline- I met many of your type during my nine lives. Thankfully, I was a smart meezer and took my litter precautions. But, this human is a great example of why the morning after pill should be readily available to all human females. :)

lifetimeresident

@Cat How bout sitting in a chair with your legs crossed. And having a father or grandpa or uncle with a big 2x4 to help when these horny teens come a lurking. Girls, have a little more respect for yourselves.

gene44870

One can only hope that these young women have learned from the mistakes that they have made in life and that they can find a way to make it for her as well as her child . Being a guy I know that when I meet a girl like this , you can not help but feel for them , and you want to be able to help in anyway you can , but at the same token its hard to forget that the child you are helping to raise will never be yours 100% and thats going to make it rough

SamAdams

The problem here isn't whether or not a man could consider another man's offspring "100% his." The fact is that ANYbody can breed. Witness the above, for example. A father isn't the sperm donor. He's the man who loves the child's mother, who shows the child right from wrong, who teaches the child to fish and throw a baseball, who takes the child to amusement parks, and who shows that yes, "real men" DO help clean the house or diaper the baby. Whoever "fathered" the child, you had better believe that the man who LOVED the child and was THERE for the child IS that baby's father!

nonconformist

Sam, I totally appreciate your sentiment, I really do. But we all know when a man is responsible for raising someone elses child, and then he has his own child, that man will always feel differently about the other than he does his own. It's not that he doesn't care for the child that isn't his blood any less, it's just different. I'm sorry, but no body can argue that fact.

asweetnessabove

You are NOT 100% correct on that statement. I can and will argue your "truth".

My husband has been around my daughter since she was 16 months. At 19/20 months she called him daddy for the first time. Her spermdonor last saw and spoke to her at 18 months. She will be 6 this year andher SD signed his rights over for my husband to officially be her father. She knows no one else as that role. When I wanted to have another baby he didn't because one is enough for him, he was only child he loved it yada yada yada. Well now we are expecting and it was a fear of mine if he will treat them diff etc. But I know he won't and he knows he won't because she is his daughter. Blood is not always thicker than water. And if you could see the bond that they have together and the love they have for eachother, you would eat your words. A real man who is willing to be in a committed relationship with a woman who has a child, and is willing to step up to the plate and raise that baby as 100% his OWN, they are real. They are out there. And the same goes for women. Unless you haven't experienced it, don't pretend to know or think you know everyone's story. Not all are alike.

nonconformist

Well shorty, you obviously didn't read my comment. I said it's different. Reread it and get back to me. And I have experienced it and seen many others experience it too. How would you like that crow served?

asweetnessabove

No it is not different. The love a father has for a child, whether adopted or biological, is a wonderful and REAL thing. You say you've experienced it. How? And why are you saying its different? Did you have the misfortune of being treated differently or were the doing the treating? Ask my husband how he feels and he'll give you a straight up answer of "what do you mean, she IS mine. DNA doesn't change that she's my daughter." Ask my dad, my moms dad, my grandmothers dad. My moms dad had 2 biological children and he treated my mom like gold. No different, actually better than his own.

And I am actually a vegetarian, you can keep your crow thanks.

SamAdams

So do you suggest, then, that adoptive fathers don't love their children as much as biological fathers? Do you imply that adoptive fathers aren't as good, capable, or loving a parent as biological fathers?

Again, ANIMALS breed (those of the human kind as well). FATHERS parent.

Molon Labe

THANK YOU!!!! I think that is exactly the message Asweetnessabove was trying to convey. Thanks Sam. Some people are just small minded and don't think that another adult can love someone else's child as their own. Oh well, those of us who know differently live an amazing life!

nonconformist

Sam, you didn't read it either. I imply nothing other than the fact that it is DIFFERENT.

pptrsha

WOW! my granddaughter is 12 yrs old. she is the light of our life. our whole family adores and spoils her. her mother was 3 months pregnant with her when she started dating our son. my brother married a girl who had a 2 yr old daughter, she is grown now with her own kids and we always forget that she has a different father. my father married my mom who had a daughter at 16 yrs old. they have been married for 53 years and we never saw him treat her any different than us

pptrsha

my point is, family is not defined by blood. it is defined by love

SamAdams

EXACTLY! The end.

asweetnessabove

AGREED a million times over.

starryeyes83

I've seen adoptive parents turn on their adopted kids and vice versa, same with bio parents and kids.

It's not always a "happily ever after".

asweetnessabove

Isn't is sad. I've seen it as well. I could never turn on my children. I guess some people feel they are justified in doing it in someway.

LadyC

I agree with Eda on both responses. And I also wish they would take off the stupid Teen Mom show and bring music videos back to MTV.