Update on 'My girlfriend has a newborn'

Eda M. Handly
Jun 5, 2013

 

Reaction to Eda’s initial advice:


I'm sorry I haven't commented sooner. I took time and did a little survey on what you said. Things are going great. Today is actually our fourth months together. People have doubted us but together we are amazing. The most outstanding comments on what you said include: "Wow, whoever said that doesn't know [expletive] and she needs to be in a relationship before she can say anything," and many similar comments.

You may just provide advice and for all I know that's just your opinion. I am glad that I did not run away like you suggested. I am blessed to have the relationship that I have. I bet there are many guys that wish they could have a relationship like I do and even one’s who are in a relationship, don't match what I have. I know from what people tell me and this is not some opinion [expletive].

Eda:
 
Wow, four whole months with a girl and a newborn baby who isn't yours? I'm sure many guys are so jealous of you. I am glad things are going well for you. Call it whatever you want, but this doesn’t equate to a “relationship.” You don’t even know each other yet. At 21, you don’t even know yourself. I am in a successful relationship that has taken years to accomplish and it's a never-ending effort. Operative word being “years.” A relationship cannot be successful unless you first live your life independently and discover who you are and then discover who the other person is after they have figured out their own identity. Sorry, barely legal and four months of playing house doesn’t cut it. You have yet to even begin. I really hope things work out for you. However, when you're in your early thirties, after dropping out of school due to having a couple more kids to feed and you’re sitting there wondering where in the world you went wrong while surfing sleazy websites like Ashley Madison, I won't say I told you so. Live and learn; that's my motto. You asked for advice, I gave it to you. It's totally your decision to take it or leave it. Common sense and reason will one-day rule over flights of fancy. Oh, one more thing; please don’t drop out of college because you feel you must work your fingers to the bone in order to feed the two extra mouths you’ve acquired. I had to edit your comments extensively. Best of luck!

Comments

TboneWalkerJr

I think one key point was overlooked. The new mommy may be breas-feeding. Sorry, (acually not) but nothing hotter than a 21 yr old lactating female. I bet there are LOTS of guys who want to be him if that is the case

nonconformist

Dude, not hot at all. I sure don't wanna be him.

Peachy Keen

"Ask Eda"...advice column for the trailer trash and losers of Sandusky!

shucks

Ouch!

Blues

Eda is spot on for this one. Young, stupid and infatuated. That girl will suck the life outta him.

KURTje

Comedic items while being pedestrian. Swwweeeet!

starryeyes83

OH well, I told him ( I assume it's a him) to run, too, now it's the best thing he's ever done.. Famous Last words

Good luck kid cause youre gonna need it,. She's looking for a sugar daddy.

LadyC

Sadly, there is a good chance that Eda may be right, but I think she is a bit condescending to the young man. The odds are against this couple, but it does take maturity to step up like this guy did. And maybe the girl is grateful to him, and they could very well have a great life together. I don't think it is good to encourage young people to sleep around and shun relationships either. If they are determined to be together and work through it, why should they break up? I hope they make it. And Starryeyes, a sugar daddy is usually a much older man with money. I don't think his guy fits the description.

starryeyes83

LadyC , a sugar daddy is not always a much older man ( a 21 year old could have family money) ...,maybe in this case, though, I should have said "sucker" ..

I have seen these types of scenarios before and they have all turned out bad.

And isn't it strange if he wasn't going to take the advice why bother to write the first letter to begin with?

Eda M. Handly

Good point Stary. However, I think many people seek advice to validate what they already feel. They want someone to sugar coat their situation and butter it with unicorns and rainbows. When they are told a different senario, they lash out. But, I have never been, nor will I ever be one to tell people what they "want" to hear.

Eda M. Handly

LadyC, thanks for your comment. However, I don't understand why I am continually accused as being condescending. I am far from having an attitude of superiority. I am just honest. Yes, I do use a bit of comedic sarcasm in my writing, but I am always first and foremost honest. And frankly, people need to hear the truth, as much as they may not like it. And I did not encourage young people to sleep around and shun relationships. Though at such a young age, yes, they should be experiencing different things and not be tied down. Take that as you like but I think I explain it well enough in my response above. As far as this young man, I do hope it works for him. I really do, but as you say, unfortunately, the odds are very much against him.

Nemesis

"A relationship cannot be successful unless you first live your life independently and discover who you are and then discover who the other person is after they have figured out their own identity."

It's interesting how you rule out the possibility of success that doesn't result from following the dominant pop culture thinking.
History and geography disagree with you. This is the second time you've made assertions that ignore the world that existed before you began experienceing it directly. The median age of marriage was once much, much lower than it is now, and people thought more about principles and spent less time fixating on their feelings and "finding themselves," and contrary to what MTV and the rest of pop culture may tell you, our current existence and most of the modern benefits we have exist because humanity managed not only to survive, but to thrive.

There are also places in the world that are not like the one in which we live, where people younger than your letter writer face stresses and responsibilities that would render many American 30 year olds catatonic.

Eda M. Handly

Nemesis, while I always appreciate your opinion and your comments, that is no longer the world we live in. If you would like to get philosophical about it, I direct you to the book "Love and Addiction" by Dr. Stanton Peele. Read a few of his theories and get back to me. It is rather interesting how he interprets "finding yourself" and how love and relationships failed to stand the test of time back in these wonderful times you speak of. Nothing has changed except for the fact that people finally realize they are of their own mind. When someone has discovered who they are and their partner has done the same, through experience no less, the more apt they are to grow and change together and stay together. And without going through the heartache and reality of cheating spouses, missing out, and regret that many people of the generation you keep bringing up have gone through. It really is an interesting read. May open your mind to a few things...

Eda M. Handly

BTW, Nemesis, the book I mention was written over 30 years ago. Not even close to the following of the "dominant pop culture thinking."

Nemesis

Eda, 30 years ago the current pop culture thinking was well entrenched the elevation of feelings over principles was an outgrowth of the counterculture of the 60's, and was enabled by the rise of the welfare state in that same decade.

Poole is just another pop psychologist. The growth in the number and influence of psychologists has been joined in lockstep by the growth in every social problem they claim to address.

Eda M. Handly

It's funny you say that. Out of those "joined" psychologists, how many of them are addressing social problems such as cheating spouses and couples staying together "for the kids"? Peele, not Poole, has made the most sense about these issues. It's completely logical and more importantly, realistic. You like statistics, right? In those stats you always like to throw out there, how many include the number of dissatisfied marriages due to the social issues I state above? And they are social issues, though no one likes to discuss it. Sure the majority likes to elaborate on how many marriages actually stay together but they don't even allude to the number of unhappy people who follow certain "principles" and stay in these marriages due to certain beliefs, principles, or what have you. Why? A, because people don't like to be honest and talk about it, and B, that would mean someone like Peele actually made sense and might be right. Instead, the majority would rather make a killing off of those people believing they can actually help them "save" their marriage that has already failed miserably. BUT, no worries, even though there is infidelity, unhappy children who grow up and continue the same pattern, and any other number of reasons for a miserable existence, they're still together! And that, to the majority, is really the only number that counts...

Nemesis

"Joined psychologists?" - read more carefully, dear. The GROWTH of psychology's influence has been joined in lockstep by the GROWTH of social pathologies. Correlation may not be causality, but it certainly falsifies claims of inverse causality, thus deflating psychology's claim to have helped humanity.

Long term studies have shown that kids are not better off when unhappy parents split, and hang on to fantasies of their parents reuniting for as long as 20 years afterward.

Here's what your feel-good amoralism fails to grasp. Most of the benefits you enjoy in this world exist because someone put principle ahead of feeling good and persisted through a lot of adversity. The surgeon who saves the life of a loved one has that skill because he/she put the principle of education and achievement ahead of feeling good, and deferred personal gratification through more than a decade of grueling, exhausting work, as did any educated person who spent long nights studying while many of their peers were doing keg stands because it made them feel good. You have lights in your house because Edison kept going through over a thousand failures to create a working light bulb. Almost nothing has been accomplished in society without a lot of people curtailing the pursuit of good feelings in the service of an abstract goal based on principle. A lot of society's triumphs are even the result of people laying down their lives to absolutely no personal benefit to fulfill an abstract principle, from the soldiers at Omaha beach to the civil rights activists who went down to Mississippi even as they heard of others like them being killed.

Yes, absolutely, in past generations, people honored commitments when it was less than perfectly gratifying, but it meant that kids had fathers. Your do-what-makes-you-feel-good-and-to-hell-with-those-stuffy-principles philosophy has left us with an unsustainable welfare state and a huge apparatus for chasing down deadbeat dads. By your yardstick Mother Theresa is a fool and Paris Hilton and the Kardassians should have Nobel prizes, people who struggle to make ends meet in a low paying job are suckers, and meth dealers are role models.

And despite a few decades spent pursuing personal emotional gratification to the neglect of principle, are people any happier in our society? No - instead, there is more anxiety, misery, poverty and stress than ever. The shiny sexy secular utopia you had hoped for hasn't materialized. Instead, we have a society going bankrupt and demotivating achievement trying to insulate people from the natural consequences of their immoral choices. We have an underclass decending into barbarism after three generations of babies having babies.

Blues

I really like this column a lot. I get a great bit of entertainment that I would never find on any TV show. The opinions vary so widely and ALL of them get to be expressed, unlike any "talk show" out there.

I haven't watched a talk show in quite sometime because the audience was selected to agree with the host(s). This is different. I LOL at comments from any given side. The commentators on this blog seem to have experience in life and have many different points of view.

Good stuff, all around.

Eda M. Handly

Thanks, Blues. I do enjoy when others comment and offer sound, intelligent opinions and I can respond. Though some of us get amped up at times (as will happen in any type of controversy), agree or disagree, it's what makes the world go round. Really, I thank everyone for their input, even if you think I'm condescending ;)

Blues

As long as you don't start giving out "free" (after taxes) gifts and cars like Oprah used to, Eda, I'll keep coming back...LOL

Eda M. Handly

LOL!