So I met this drummer

Eda M. Handly
May 22, 2013

Q: I am 18 years old and have been dating a 31-year-old man for eight months. I am extremely in love with him but our relationship doesn't seem to work out! His grandma and his cousin just died and he is having a hard time dealing with it. He’s acting colder than ever! He has always been disrespectful to me and I have been meaning to break up with him for around four months. This was an unhealthy, manipulating relationship but I still have a feeling we can fix it if we just take a break. I am so lost. I kind of broke up with him this morning but now I am as lost as ever!

A: Regardless of what you have heard, age does matter. He’s nearing mid-life and you’re barely legal. The two of you are at completely different junctures. He’s more than likely trying to move up his career ladder and you have probably just graduated high school. You can’t even order a drink at the bar! Unless you’re looking to be a trophy on his arm, he’s not your guy. An older man dates a younger woman either because she is extremely attractive and he needs a very large ego boost or he wants someone young enough to mold into his “perfect partner.” Aside from that, you admit the entire relationship was manipulating and unhealthy. I just know you could feel that mold forming to every inch of your being. That’s why you have wanted to break things off for some time. This isn’t about the tragic circumstances in his life. His treatment of you isn’t something new, only magnified with recent events. You need a break all right, permanently. Meet other people and experience all life has to offer. You have your whole life ahead of you. While you’re making the most out of each new experience and on the path to self-discovery, he will be the creepy 40-year-old guy at the club scoping out college co-eds.  

Q: I recently went out of town for about five days and was staying with my cousin and her roommates, who are all in a band. I've known most of her roommates for years now, including the drummer. He's always been really sweet and cute and such a fun guy to be around but we had never talked much until I was there for my visit. When he was showing interest in me I got excited because he's such a great guy. We basically spent two nights secretly hooking up after he had told me how much he liked me and I told him the same. We've still been talking ever since I came back to where I live (which is about four hours away) and he's basically been telling me not to worry about the distance and that we can still be together and all that. What really worries me though is that I like him so much and we have so much in common, but I've never even considered a long distance relationship. Is it worth it?

A: Not to put a damper on your current feelings of ecstasy but why does a two-day rendezvous with a really cool guy need to turn into an instant “relationship?” He’s not remotely considering that what you had will turn into long-term. He’s a drummer, in a band. He has girls falling over him at every gig! I’m not saying don’t enjoy yourself. I am saying don’t try to make this into something it’s not. Have fun and just let things happen. This isn’t the start of a beautiful relationship. It’s a good time with a different kind of guy that may turn into more. But I doubt it.



Q 1. Eda is right. He probably feels like he's raising you. You're a child to him. Find someone closer to your own age. The stuff you have goin' now will just get worse. You really don't want to be his child, right?


Q 2. Bad idea to date traveling musicians. In more ways than one. Ever hear that a sailor has a girl in every port?

Raoul Duke

Q 3. Why am I even reading this?


Why are you asking us? Did you feel the need to type the question to yourself?


Dear lost as ever. You are typical of the worthless shallow superficial women that infest America today. No self respect no integrity and no backbone. You no doubt "love" him only for his looks and:or what's between his legs. He obviously treats you like crap and you enjoy it. After the disrespect comes the slapping and hitting and you will still be too stupid to leave him until we read about you being gunned down by your sweet hot little bad boy

Grow up. At least past your 13 yr old mental age and trying putting personality and character first ahead of looks and dong


Well said,SuspectBlackMale.


Where do they get these questions??? I mean really? I am sorry they sound completely made up.


One would think so and hope that people could not be this stupid but Alas, I have no doubt they are 100% true

Capt. Ford

Whats with all the drummer disrespect?????I love accordian players.


I agree. I don't believe any of them are real. We actually had a discussion about this at work several weeks ago and everyone thought the whole column was fake. It was also asked why someone with a column was trolling the comment section and being so confrontational with other posters. Not professional.


I've been saying they are made up from the get go.

Eda M. Handly

Thanks for reading...

Luv, LOVE your insight! LOL

Suspect, you make some very valid points.

Ladydye, 100% real questions.

Brassman, I am far from confrontational with posters. Some posters love to come here and take digs, others give opinions. I simply respond. You call it unprofessional, I call it conversation and interaction.


"He's a drummer, in a band, so...."

Wow, Eda, your "advice" has come down to blindly parroting pop culture stereotyping cliches. Next up, will you tell a fan that his girlfriend isn't smart enough for him because she's blond, and another that her boyfriend is an alcoholic because he's Irish?

Eda M. Handly

Since I'm blonde and Irish, probably not.


So we can add bias to the list of sterling qualities you bring to your work.

Eda M. Handly

Glad you made it back this week. I do look forward to your insightful posts...


Easy there - we wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.


NEVER fall for the drummer. ALWAYS go for the bass player. Just ask Kristi Lee.

the unsilent majority's picture
the unsilent ma...

Yup! Bass players!


What's the last thing the drummer said to his band?

Hey guys. I wrote a song


Ringo !


#1,What 3rd poster said. Remember also if any advice giver has been divorced advice could be faulty.

the unsilent majority's picture
the unsilent ma...

What Homeless lol

J Cooper

In the past this newspaper has come up with some really bad ideas that they give weekly space too, but this one has to be the worst one ever. Would really like to know her professional training or expertise, or why she has this. I been a airline passenger, but can't fly one or give advice on how to fly one, just saying.


Just look at her EXTENSIVE knowledge of the characteristics of drummers. You can't get that from stuffy formal training - it takes years of experience as a garage-band groupie.


You guys crack me up. You are the most critical of the commentors I have seen post here, yet you always accuse Eda of the same and back every week to read it! lol

Eda M. Handly

I did date a drummer once. He wasn't in a band though. But years ago I hooked up with a guitar player who WAS in a band. Does that count?


Good point J. Makes ya wonder what professional training or expertise Dear Abby had.


“Professional” graduate of There's a Sucker Born Every Minute University.

“Professional” philosophy:

Eda M. Handly

Just took the time to read your link thinkagain. And these are the "credentials" and "expertise" everyone would like to see me have? Pfft. No thanks. At least I'm honest and call it like I see it. May not like the truth, but would you rather the fluffy BS, make me wanna puke-in-my-mouth-a-little alternative? Really?