So I met this drummer

Eda M. Handly
May 22, 2013

 

Q: I am 18 years old and have been dating a 31-year-old man for eight months. I am extremely in love with him but our relationship doesn't seem to work out! His grandma and his cousin just died and he is having a hard time dealing with it. He’s acting colder than ever! He has always been disrespectful to me and I have been meaning to break up with him for around four months. This was an unhealthy, manipulating relationship but I still have a feeling we can fix it if we just take a break. I am so lost. I kind of broke up with him this morning but now I am as lost as ever!

A: Regardless of what you have heard, age does matter. He’s nearing mid-life and you’re barely legal. The two of you are at completely different junctures. He’s more than likely trying to move up his career ladder and you have probably just graduated high school. You can’t even order a drink at the bar! Unless you’re looking to be a trophy on his arm, he’s not your guy. An older man dates a younger woman either because she is extremely attractive and he needs a very large ego boost or he wants someone young enough to mold into his “perfect partner.” Aside from that, you admit the entire relationship was manipulating and unhealthy. I just know you could feel that mold forming to every inch of your being. That’s why you have wanted to break things off for some time. This isn’t about the tragic circumstances in his life. His treatment of you isn’t something new, only magnified with recent events. You need a break all right, permanently. Meet other people and experience all life has to offer. You have your whole life ahead of you. While you’re making the most out of each new experience and on the path to self-discovery, he will be the creepy 40-year-old guy at the club scoping out college co-eds.  

Q: I recently went out of town for about five days and was staying with my cousin and her roommates, who are all in a band. I've known most of her roommates for years now, including the drummer. He's always been really sweet and cute and such a fun guy to be around but we had never talked much until I was there for my visit. When he was showing interest in me I got excited because he's such a great guy. We basically spent two nights secretly hooking up after he had told me how much he liked me and I told him the same. We've still been talking ever since I came back to where I live (which is about four hours away) and he's basically been telling me not to worry about the distance and that we can still be together and all that. What really worries me though is that I like him so much and we have so much in common, but I've never even considered a long distance relationship. Is it worth it?

A: Not to put a damper on your current feelings of ecstasy but why does a two-day rendezvous with a really cool guy need to turn into an instant “relationship?” He’s not remotely considering that what you had will turn into long-term. He’s a drummer, in a band. He has girls falling over him at every gig! I’m not saying don’t enjoy yourself. I am saying don’t try to make this into something it’s not. Have fun and just let things happen. This isn’t the start of a beautiful relationship. It’s a good time with a different kind of guy that may turn into more. But I doubt it.

Comments

luvblues2

Q 1. Eda is right. He probably feels like he's raising you. You're a child to him. Find someone closer to your own age. The stuff you have goin' now will just get worse. You really don't want to be his child, right?

luvblues2

Q 2. Bad idea to date traveling musicians. In more ways than one. Ever hear that a sailor has a girl in every port?

Raoul Duke

Q 3. Why am I even reading this?

luvblues2

Why are you asking us? Did you feel the need to type the question to yourself?

SuspectBlackMale

Dear lost as ever. You are typical of the worthless shallow superficial women that infest America today. No self respect no integrity and no backbone. You no doubt "love" him only for his looks and:or what's between his legs. He obviously treats you like crap and you enjoy it. After the disrespect comes the slapping and hitting and you will still be too stupid to leave him until we read about you being gunned down by your sweet hot little bad boy

Grow up. At least past your 13 yr old mental age and trying putting personality and character first ahead of looks and dong

shucks

Well said,SuspectBlackMale.

ladydye_5

Where do they get these questions??? I mean really? I am sorry they sound completely made up.

SuspectBlackMale

One would think so and hope that people could not be this stupid but Alas, I have no doubt they are 100% true

Capt. Ford

Whats with all the drummer disrespect?????I love accordian players.

brassman

I agree. I don't believe any of them are real. We actually had a discussion about this at work several weeks ago and everyone thought the whole column was fake. It was also asked why someone with a column was trolling the comment section and being so confrontational with other posters. Not professional.

starryeyes83

I've been saying they are made up from the get go.

Eda M. Handly

Thanks for reading...

Luv, LOVE your insight! LOL

Suspect, you make some very valid points.

Ladydye, 100% real questions.

Brassman, I am far from confrontational with posters. Some posters love to come here and take digs, others give opinions. I simply respond. You call it unprofessional, I call it conversation and interaction.

Nemesis

"He's a drummer, in a band, so...."

Wow, Eda, your "advice" has come down to blindly parroting pop culture stereotyping cliches. Next up, will you tell a fan that his girlfriend isn't smart enough for him because she's blond, and another that her boyfriend is an alcoholic because he's Irish?

Eda M. Handly

Since I'm blonde and Irish, probably not.

Nemesis

So we can add bias to the list of sterling qualities you bring to your work.

Eda M. Handly

Glad you made it back this week. I do look forward to your insightful posts...

Nemesis

Easy there - we wouldn't want people to get the wrong idea.

buckeye15

NEVER fall for the drummer. ALWAYS go for the bass player. Just ask Kristi Lee.

the unsilent majority's picture
the unsilent ma...

Yup! Bass players!

SuspectBlackMale

What's the last thing the drummer said to his band?

Hey guys. I wrote a song

Huron_1969

Ringo !

KURTje

#1,What 3rd poster said. Remember also if any advice giver has been divorced advice could be faulty.

the unsilent majority's picture
the unsilent ma...

What do.you.call.a.single.drummer? Homeless lol

J Cooper

In the past this newspaper has come up with some really bad ideas that they give weekly space too, but this one has to be the worst one ever. Would really like to know her professional training or expertise, or why she has this. I been a airline passenger, but can't fly one or give advice on how to fly one, just saying.

Nemesis

Just look at her EXTENSIVE knowledge of the characteristics of drummers. You can't get that from stuffy formal training - it takes years of experience as a garage-band groupie.

nonconformist

You guys crack me up. You are the most critical of the commentors I have seen post here, yet you always accuse Eda of the same and back every week to read it! lol

Eda M. Handly

I did date a drummer once. He wasn't in a band though. But years ago I hooked up with a guitar player who WAS in a band. Does that count?

nonconformist

Good point J. Makes ya wonder what professional training or expertise Dear Abby had.

thinkagain's picture
thinkagain

“Professional” graduate of There's a Sucker Born Every Minute University.

“Professional” philosophy:
http://tinyurl.com/bamboozlingma...

Eda M. Handly

Just took the time to read your link thinkagain. And these are the "credentials" and "expertise" everyone would like to see me have? Pfft. No thanks. At least I'm honest and call it like I see it. May not like the truth, but would you rather the fluffy BS, make me wanna puke-in-my-mouth-a-little alternative? Really?

luvblues2

I rather like how Eda shows us what others wonder about. I'm absolutely positive that some of us have all found ourselves in something we didn't quite understand at a certain point in time. Eda is just giving her POV as all of us can after she posts it. If it helps the questioner after reading all the comments, then what harm is done?

Eda is just giving us a format for opinion to show majority points.If you don't like it...don't read it. If you do read it and don't like it, why do you tell us? It makes no sense.

The Big Dog's back

Drummers are very intelligent and intense and like to have fun and have a great sense of humor. I know, I use to be one.

Nemesis

Wow, Eda might be right about something after all

luvblues2

It's like buying a book and then critiquing as such: "I knew after I read the first sentence that I was going to hate this book. I forced myself to endure the pain and continued to read it till the very end. Thus spending all that time in pain and misery just to tell the whole world that, IT SUCKED!"

Some people amaze me. Also, not in a good way, may I add.

Nemesis

"Go to the mirror, boy." - the Who

luvblues2

Alice is playing with a white kitten (whom she calls "Snowdrop") and a black kitten (whom she calls "Kitty")—the offspring of Dinah, Alice's cat in Alice's Adventures in Wonderland—when she ponders what the world is like on the other side of a mirror's reflection. Climbing up on the fireplace mantel, she pokes at the wall-hung mirror behind the fireplace and discovers, to her surprise, that she is able to step through it to an alternative world. In this reflected version of her own house, she finds a book with looking-glass poetry, "Jabberwocky", whose reversed printing she can read only by holding it up to the mirror. She also observes that the chess pieces have come to life, though they remain small enough for her to pick up.

Suck it up, Nemises.

Nemesis

So sorry, I apparently didn't dumb it down enough for you.

So, what you're essentially saying is, you spend time reading my comments (which by the way are among the longer ones) and now you're spending MORE time posting to tell me you didn't like it.

Is the mirror becoming a little clearer now?

luvblues2

Really. You know me? In what way? I haven't given you ANY info about me. But you think you can tell me to look into a mirror? Good luck with that philosophy, Dorothy. Make certain to let Toto out so he doesn't pee on the carpet. :_

Nemesis

And still it parts your hair as it sails over your head. I only need to know one thing about you - you're too thick to see that you're hip deep in the same behavior which you claim amazes you (and not in a good way) from others. Thus, look in the mirror.

luvblues2

I am not the one neck deep in negativity over Ms. Eda's posts. You are, though. I reckon she provides a service. You do not. That is YOUR problem that we do not need to know. Keep it to yourself until it festers and you then get to call yourself something uglier than Nemesis.

Nemesis

Still expending a lot of time and energy to read what I say and tell everyone you don't like it, eh? Still neck deep in negativity over my comments, I see. How's that log in your eye?

luvblues2

Wow. I went from hip deep to neck deep in a matter of hours.

Debate is fun, Nemesis. That is what this comment section is for. I wasn't the one that came in with negative thoughts riding Eda like she was a new pony. As stated earlier, I enjoy Eda's blog. You come in and act IMHO, all "high and mighty" with intellectual mumbo jumbo with no "feeling" behind it other than you disapprove of someone giving another advice.

Save it for the political columns.

Nemesis

So basically, what the comment section is for is an echo chamber of fawning validation for the columnist, and not for any disagreement, is that it?

It's pretty simple:
Eda writes words on computer. I read her words, and disagree. I write words on computer saying so. You read my words, and disagree. You write words on computer saying so.........

I act no more high and mighty than Eda does. SHE is the one presuming to tell these people what to do with their lives, not me. Notice I never said what the questioners should do. I merely questioned her doing so, and her falsely characterizing other posters who disagreed.

Intellectual mumbo jumbo? Sorry if I've exceeded your vocabulary. Would it help maybe if I threw in a few Yo's and called you dude, closed each comment with "Word!" and maybe said things like dat is wack?