My friend dates a controlling guy

Eda M. Handly
May 1, 2013

Q: My best friend is dating a controlling 31 year-old guy. He always goes out alone while insisting she stay at home. Since we go to the same places I have seen him dancing with lots of girls and I have told her twice. She says it’s ok even though I don’t think she trusts him. But she will always ask me if I run into him and if I saw him with other girls. Finally, I stopped telling her because I don’t want to hurt her. Recently, I met them out and he left angry. I was just having fun with my friend and he accused me of disrespecting him because I didn’t talk to him. He used my best friend’s email and told me to apologize and said if I don’t she will not talk to me again. Do you think I have to apologize to maintain our relationship? I haven't done anything wrong. It’s not fair that he is getting in between us and she is letting him!

A: Let’s see, apologize to a manipulative, 31-year-old man who acts like he’s still in high school or keep your dignity? Just because he controls her every move doesn’t mean he can micro-manage you as well. I understand she’s your friend and you care about her, but she’s not going to pull her head out of the sand until she’s good and ready. Unfortunately, there really isn’t much you can do about that. But why on earth would you dream of giving him any more power than he already has over the situation? If she wants to surrender to his narcissistic and abusive ploys, that’s her choice but you certainly don’t have to bow down to him like some subservient disciple. And you shouldn’t. Ever. The second you do, his meat hooks only sink in deeper giving them both confirmation that his behavior is acceptable.

Q: I have dated women from 30 to 20 years old over the last three years. My last relationship was with a 24 year-old, however, I am not looking for sex. I don't know what it is with me but girls seem to just want to have sex with me. I'm not against it but I am respectful and brought up with old traditions. I want a nice relationship without it being surrounded with sex. My dad and mom have been disappointed with me because I haven't dated anyone for seven months. Although I have tried, my friends say I’m messed up for not doing it with certain girls I have turned down. I don't think I am strange but maybe I am. I just think that women should be respected and not treated as tools or sex objects. I am just a 20-year-old looking for advice on what I should be expecting and if I'm asking too much.

A: Since when does having sex with a woman equate to disrespecting her or treating her like a sex object? I hate to break it to you but sex is an extremely important part of any relationship. Two people who are incompatible sexually cannot possibly stay in a happy, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. And at 20 years old the last thing that should be on your mind is a relationship. That will come in time. This isn’t to say you should be collecting every notch on your bedpost that is thrown your way but I am saying live a little! Also understand, in this day and age, women are very comfortable with their sexuality, which is nothing to be ashamed of. So please, don’t set us back 50 years! Our perception is our reality and sometimes we have to simply change our perception in order to change our reality. If you’re not against having sex, maybe you should try it. I’m quite sure your perception will rapidly change.
 

Comments

Yellow Snow

To you, 20 year old, no one including yourself, should feel pressured into sex, especially at your young age. And yes, there are a lot of women who would love a relationship based on things other than sex., and there’s obviously a lot of risks with sex, some that can change your life forever. You’re going to be ok. If your heart tells you it’s wrong for you, follow your heart, you can’t undo something after you’ve done it, then you’re stuck with regret. I agree with your parents, take your time and enjoy the simple gifts in life. The moral values given to you by your parents are something you should have great pride in. You are that breath of fresh air, instead of stale Sandusky air.

Raoul Duke

This IS bat country...

reporter54

Controlling guy often leads to domestic violence down the road. All the signs are there. Hopefully your friend will dump him eventually but I would tell her that you can't continue to maintain your relationship with her as long as she is with someone like that. Tell her that it really bothers you and that you feel she is being mistreated and disrespected as well as controlled, which is wrong.

sash

Friend- You need to send your friend a list of the warning signs of an abusive relationship! You hit four of the signs of an abuser in the little bit you wrote about your friend's boyfriend! She may not want to hear it, but maybe it will give her something to think about.

kURTje

Raoul =100%!

thinkagain

“And at 20 years old the last thing that should be on your mind is a relationship.”

Cockamamie codswallop, “counselor”.

SamAdams

Apparently, it never occurred to Eda that one of the biggest problems in relationships today is the idea of casual sex. People don't take the time to establish emotional connections, and when they don't and the blush of lust wears off, there's no love to maintain the coupling.

I'm not suggesting that premarital sex is evil. I've always been of the opinion that, if I wouldn't buy a shoe without trying it on, I sure as heck wouldn't choose a husband or a wife! That being said, sex without SOME relationship is just...a relatively brief amusement park ride at BEST. And, of course, it can result in a host of repercussions nobody's thinking about in the heat of the moment.

The 24 year-old who ISN'T "looking for sex" is perfectly healthy, and sounds like something that's fairly rare these days: A good guy.

Honey, if you want to wait until there's an emotional connection before jumping in the sack, all I can say is good for you! Any woman worth your while will be interested in the same thing you are, which is obviously wanting the EMOTION that goes along with the physical act. Lucky girl when you find her!

Eda M. Handly

Apparently, you read too much into my response. And your first sentence is a complete oxymoron. Casual sex and being in a relationship are two completely different things. Sex within a relationship is far from casual. I am simply suggesting that a 20-year-old, who sounds to me like a virgin, try something. Furthermore, one of the biggest problems in relationships today is the fact that many people are afraid to talk about real issues and desires of sex within their relationships. Also, it's completely untrue that you cannot develop a lasting relationship that begins with sex. No one said have a one night stand here. But, like you said, never buy a shoe without first trying it on. You can't possibly have any kind healthy relationship if you don't know someone inside and out. No pun intended. Who would think of getting in a relationship, attach themselves emotionally, invest time and energy while "saving" themselves, only to later find out the sex was terrible and there is no chemistry? Then what? That makes no sense what-so-ever. As for the "host of repercussions", he's a big boy and I certainly hope people are smart enough these days to practice safe sex.

Katelih-Trailer...

Eda, I've never heard of terrible sex. If 2 people are emotionally attached,HOW can the sex be bad? If it is terrible,then BOTH must be to blame, since either person can take charge of the "ride" Lol

Eda M. Handly

You're lucky Kate. I however have admittedly had a terrible experience (even with an emotional attachment)! LOL It shall be revealed in my next book... :)

Katelih-Trailer...

LOL...I don't know whether to feel bad or laugh at the poor sap.

Yellow Snow

Prior to this "sexual revolution" marriages lasted longer, and isn't this what so many are in search of? Most of them lasted until death do we part. Sex without love is just ........ sex with risks. Ever tried denying yourself something you know you're better off without? Spending money on stuff you don't really NEED, that last cigarette, sleeping in, sex for the temporary gratification? There's a great feeling of satisfaction once you've conquered your temporary vice.

Eda M. Handly

Marriage can still last. Sad thing is, even prior to this "sexual revolution", people cheated on each other relentlessly but still unhappily stayed together because of "until death do us part." Times may have changed and people may be more open and less afraid of being condemned for their thoughts, feelings and desires, but these desires and sexual appetites remain as real as they were years ago. This is simply a fact no one can argue. And why did people cheat back then and still do? Because they aren't being satisfied and because they were too ashamed to speak about their wants and desires, especially with the one person they should be speaking to about the subject, namely, their partner. I explain this in detail in my book.

"Sex without love is just... sex with risks." Love is a risk. Everything we do in life is a risk but if we live in fear, we fail to live. I believe everyone should follow their heart, so long as they take their brain with them. And I would hardly consider sex a "vice." Is the air you breath a vice? Is food a vice? No. These are things we need to live and sex, good sex, is something we need to establish and remain in a solid and happy relationship. We all know the difference between a healthy dosage and something more extreme that is going to hurt us. We all know when we should put the fork down and take that last bite, take that last drink, and smoke that last cigarette. Yes, anything can be hurtful and everything should be taken in it's proper, healthy dosage be it food, sleep, drink or sex, but if society continues to make sex (one of our most animalistic needs) to be a monster that you should avoid at all costs UNLESS your in love, then it will become that monster every one is so afraid of and/or ashamed of. Unfortunately, it already has to a certain extent.

You fail to also realize that marriages don't last as long due to many other factors that did not exist back then. This "sexual revolution" can hardly be attributed to why marriages/relationships fail. Well, unless it's lack there of or lack of communication of the same. My book will be released soon and I think everyone in a committed relationship, married or otherwise, could benefit and learn something from it...

Crystal

Well said! Except for the part when you used the wrong form of the word "your." UNLESS *you're in love! Sorry, grammar police!

Eda M. Handly

LOL! Sorry, sometimes my fingers type faster than my mind thinks :)

kURTje

Eda how long & how many marriages have you been in?

Eda M. Handly

If you really wanna know, buy my eBook when it's available. How 'bout you?

Yellow Snow

No, really, Eda, have you been married and how long did it last. You give advice,

Eda M. Handly

No, really, read my book. I do give advice and that advice is based on many experiences, past and present. I am currently in an extremely happy and mutually satisfying relationship, that is really all that matters. I have learned from but will never be defined by my past. And I am quite sure that the success I currently have is based greatly on those past experiences. We live in a different world and in order to be successful in our relationships, our careers, or anything else, we must change with it.

Eda M. Handly

Besides, everybody should know, you can't possibly make a judgment or come to conclusions by me tossing out a couple numbers. There's always a story and more importantly a reason for everything...

Yellow Snow

I see what change (and hope) have done for all of us. I'll stick with the tried and true. We'll celebrate our 32 anniversary this year, my parent's are alive and have 60 years married. My grandparents were wed until death. Never settle for "change" when you can have the real thing. Have all the times been happy? Absolutely not, but we worked our way through the tough times instead of jumping into another bed. True success isn't measured by careers or notches, or temporary feel-good experiences. It is measured by how you live your life.

Eda M. Handly

That's fantastic! I am very happy for you. I will always accept change and never settle for mediocre. That doesn't make what I have any less "real." And it certainly doesn't mean any one is jumping from bed to bed. True success isn't measured by other's opinions; it comes from within. Success is synonymous with being happy. No one else can tell another whether they are happy or successful or otherwise. My experiences make me no less successful or happy than you. Why would it? Because you can place a big number behind how long you have been in a single relationship? Does it make me less credible that I cannot say I have been married since I was 16 to the same man for the past 20-some years? I think not. Not many people can say that! That is a rare find these days. But, with my experience and everything I have been through, I can show people that a healthy, lasting relationship is still possible. It's what my entire book is all about. However, it is tailored to relationships in this day and age. Considering that you seem to promote a lasting, loving, devoted relationship, one would think you would appreciate the notion even if it is obtained by means your generation may not understand.

kURTje

Same 1 since we started. Be candid & quit "dancing around." Bet you got a divorce or 2 advice giver.