Q: I was in a bad relationship and ended up breaking up with my boyfriend who lived with me. I started hanging out with someone else and we really fell for each other. I agreed to let my ex stay with me just until his union job started up and the guy I was talking to was hurt and quit talking to me. I moved away from my ex and now I'm back talking to the other guy.
He just told me he is still hurt from what happened and that he thought he was over it but he's not. He said depression has hit him and he's not sure we have a future or a friendship. Then he said that I mean a lot to him and that he loves to be with me and wants to slow down because he’s not ready for a relationship. His reasoning was he has 3 kids that would fall for me and he has to protect them and we both need to make sure this is what we want. I'm confused as to what he really means because at first he said he's not sure we have a future or friendship.
A: You're relationship must not have been that bad. You don't break up with someone and then allow him to stay in your home under any circumstance, especially if you're dating someone new. I don't blame the other guy for being hurt. He doesn't trust you and rightfully so. Depression has hit him? Sounds more like an excuse to politely let you down and move on. After all, he has children he needs to worry about and they are his first priority. I’m sure he does care for you but it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be cautious for the sake of his family. No one wants to bring their children into a situation if they aren’t sure the other person is in it for the long haul. You have yet to prove that you are. You can either do what it takes to show him you can be a faithful partner or you can continue to take in stray dogs and possibly lose a decent guy.
Q: My daughter’s father and I were together for three years and I got really depressed one day. I have a little bit of my dad's anger problem. I hit my child's father while he was holding our daughter and two of the other three kids were there. Department of Human Resources got involved and I had to leave the house. I took an anger management class and I paid for an extra class for domestic violence because it helped. I've changed and know how to control my anger. In June it will be one year since everything happened. He and I decided to take it slow and work things out but he doesn't want to rush into a relationship again. He also said I have to earn his trust back. What can I do or say that will show him it won't be like before? And to get his trust back he sees I changed and am doing better and sees I am a better mom again like I was before I got depressed. I love him and in June it’s our four-year anniversary. I want to be back with him in a relationship again. He is the only man I love or want and I want it to work out. I wish I didn’t get jealous as much as I do and I’m working on that but it’s hard. I am afraid to trust and let him in like I did before and I’m afraid of getting hurt again. I want my family back and I want more kids with him. I don't want to fight or argue I want it to be like it was before, when we were good and got along great.
A: It hasn't even been a year yet and you expect him to believe everything is hunky dory? You messed up in a big way. I'm glad you received help for your anger issue but these types of behavior problems don't appear over night. And they certainly don't correct themselves that quickly either, anger management class or not. Of course it's going to take some time for him to trust you again, if that is even possible. Don't push him and don't rush things. At this point, he has the right to take as much time as he needs. If you're still "working on" jealousy and trust issues maybe you should consider signing up for a few more classes before considering any more children. "I'm afraid of getting hurt again," said the lion to the lamb. Imagine how he feels.