My old relationship has given me severe trust issues

Anonymous
Feb 13, 2013

 

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together around eight months.  At first I trusted him fully but now it seems like past relationship issues are creeping up on me and making me think I have a reason not to trust him. For example my ex-boyfriend used to text and exchange pictures with girls throughout our entire relationship and it got so severe I started finding pictures of him and other girls having sex. After three years of physical and emotional abuse I left him but I've been emotionally torn apart ever since and it seems like I can't believe anything anymore. Now it's starting to affect my current relationship and I'm afraid I'm pushing him away. I cannot for the life of me trust this man to the point where it is considered healthy. It just doesn't work. Ever since his baby's mother texted me and told me that he was kissing on her neck when she dropped off her son, I've had a hard time believing that he doesn't still love her. He told me that she was lying about the situation and that he loved me more than anything and would never cheat on me, but I don't know. They haven't had an encounter like that since (mainly because he doesn't allow her at his house anymore) but I still get this thought in my head that maybe if we have a bad argument he will go see her and try to get back with her. I've told him how I feel and he says that he would never get back with her even if we didn't work out. It gave me some relief but for some reason I still have my doubts. I know this isn’t healthy for a relationship, so I'm asking for advice on how to fix it. Why do I feel like this? It's not that I have a guilty conscience or anything I just always have my guard up and it makes me a crappy girlfriend. Is there a reason I am feeling like this? Should I feel this way? Please give me some advice.

A: Of course there is a reason you’re feeling this way. You obviously did not give yourself a chance to heal after your last debacle. I understand how difficult it can be to let go after someone has hurt you so badly, but if you continue on with this type of behavior, you won’t have this man around for much longer. It’s one thing to be on guard and cautious, it’s quite another to be overbearing, suspicious, and jealous. After getting out of a relationship where you were cheated on and physically, mentally, and emotionally abused, there is a lot of baggage and those issues are sure to affect you until they are dealt with. I’m sure your self-esteem and your heart has been crushed, but you have to get that back before you can even begin to build a life with another. This isn’t to say you should get out of your current relationship. It is possible to work on your issues while trying to make it work with him. However, it will be challenging. You are no longer with the man who betrayed you and treated you like a dog. Don’t make this guy pay for the mistakes of a sadistic control freak. If you continue to place each other in the past, you will never have a future.
 

Q: I’m in a tough one. I’ve been in a relationship with this girl for a few months online and we had really good time, but yet I’m not as happy as I once was. She got really attached and says she wants to marry me and have my kids but I’m her first real boyfriend. I’m not a jerk but I’ve been alone a lot since and I see my friends with their girlfriends and I see all the girls everywhere that are interested in me. But at the end of the day I go to the keyboard and type and call her as if us meeting would happen. What I want to know is how do I let her off easy not to hurt her? I care for her enough to stop leading her on and let her get back out there again but she’s really attached and says she wont let me go. Part of me thinks she might like me for how I look but we never met. I don’t know. I need some advice I’m stressed out thinking of it alone.

A: There is nothing “tough” about your situation. Best advice I can give you; don’t walk, run. You haven’t even met this girl and she’s talking about marriage and kids? This isn’t a relationship, it’s the start of a creepy episode of Snapped. Next thing you know she’ll be asking you for your passwords, to send her money, or worse, she starts stalking you. I hope you haven’t divulged too much information to this person. Meeting people online can be legitimate, even fun and interesting, but it can also be very dangerous. From the little that you have shared, this girl has some serious issues and you should cut your ties as soon as possible. Let her off easy? She’s really attached and she won’t let you go? You’re kidding, right? Wake up and smell the phish! You simply stop responding and trash her email in your Spam folder where it belongs. You can’t hurt someone when the only “feelings” are your fingers pecking away at a keyboard.

 

Comments

luvblues2

Good advice on question #2, Eda.

Run like hell, man. It will only get worse. Been there, done that. Delete everything you can with her. Change all Social networks, phones, change E-mail addy and maybe think about getting a PO Box for a time. Hope you didn't exchange home addresses.

Edit: PS. Keep in mind that ANYTHING typed online exists forever.