My girlfriend's mom caught our mistake - now what?

Anonymous
Jan 23, 2013

 

Q: My girlfriend turns 18 soon and I’m 17. We had sex in her car and we didn’t use protection. Just to be safe I texted her and told her to use Plan B. She replied that she was getting it the next day. Well, I guess she fell asleep and her mom walked in and saw our texts. Twenty minutes later I get a text from her saying, "This is her mother, I have read the messages and you are no longer able to see her. Understood?" At that moment, my heart just dropped. I replied with "Yes. I’m sorry. And I just want to let you know that I like your daughter and respect her very much." I never got a reply but obviously I can’t keep texting. So I’m trying to let the situation calm down. But I’m afraid it might not get any better. We love each other very much and I can’t imagine our long relationship ending in a split second like that. I don’t want her to lie so she could come see me, but at the same time I have to see her! This girl means so much to me and I just don’t want to go through this heartbreak of never being able to see her again. I need advice on what to do before I say or do something stupid.

A: You’ve already done something stupid. I am totally amazed that your only concern is seeing her. You’re not the least bit worried about whether or not she could be pregnant? It hasn’t even crossed your mind that her life and life as you know it could be completely transformed from a future of self-discovery and accomplishing goals into a whirlwind of scraping by just to get along amidst a screaming baby, dirty diapers and spit up? Hopefully her mother has handled the situation as she sees fit. This is exactly the reason young people should not be in relationships. You’re not mature enough to handle the emotions let alone the responsibility of your actions. You need advice on what to do? Grow up and concentrate on making a life for yourself before you ever again consider doing something so ignorant that could result in bringing another life into this world.  

 

Q: I've always been shy in general and it takes a decent amount of time to become my friend. I've found this interferes when I meet a cute girl or when I'm trying to get a girl to like me. It’s not that I'm a loner or anything, I'm just a very closed off person and it’s hard for me to feel open with anybody. I feel that every time I try and get a girl to like me I feel so nervous because I'm scared of getting too attached in general. Any ideas on how to improve on this? I feel like this is a huge turn off for girls. I'm 18 and have been doing the usual: being myself, keeping up with good hygiene and my friends say I'm funny. I just haven't met a girl who stands out I guess. How do I improve my chance with girls so that I can have more options? I want a relationship not a one night stand or anything. For me to like a girl I have to want to spend a lot of time with her and she has to be funny and cool but pretty at the same time.

A: Being a tad shy and guarded is not necessarily a terrible trait. However, once you begin to realize you’re having difficulty in one or more areas of your life as a result of the walls around your heart, it may be time to slowly dislodge a few bricks. The perfect girl is not going to suddenly appear and say, “Here I am!” You have to meet people, a number of them, and put yourself out there without any expectations. The moment you expect anything is the very moment you will not get it. It’s not unheard of to simply date these days without having a one-nighter. Dating is usually a prerequisite to any relationship. You have to dip your toes in the water before you know if it’s the right temperature. How can you already be afraid of getting too attached before you have a relationship? Oxymoron anyone? Lighten up and learn to enjoy your encounters rather than contemplate the possibility of a future, or lack there of. The only turn off here is trying too hard and then retreating.

 

Comments

Kasey

Didn't even bother reading the second one - too appalled with the reply to the first. How rude! This boy is basically old enough to fight for your freedoms in the US Military, yet he's too young to be in a relationship? Obviously he cares about her, who are you to say he doesn't? Why else would he fight to see her? At least they recognized their mistake and aren't trying to become the next 16 & Pregnant reality stars. Lay off the poor boy. Don't try to tell me you didn't make mistakes at that age - he's acting responsibly and trying to fix his mistake. Kids have sex, that's nothing new.
I have always found myself with my jaw dropped after reading your ridiculous responses. I'm surprised people still "write" to you. No need to be rude when people are asking advice. Disgusting.

BW1's picture
BW1

Really Kasey?

Heck yes, he's too young to be in the sort of relationship they had - if you haven't developed the self control to stop and apply a condom, you are not ready to be in a relationship that involves sex.

Why else would he fight to see her? Are you really that naive? How about because it means "getting some" - apparently you don't know how teenage boys think. He's already demonstrated that, when the opportunity to have sex presents itself, his common sense goes straight out the window.

Yes, we have all made mistakes, but that doesn't obligate us to advocate or even acquiesce to others rivaling or repeating them.

This is the first reply Eda's made that makes sense. It's not rude to tell adolescents when they're being young and stupid - it's helping them to become old and wise.

Eda M. Handly

Kasey, maybe you should read it again. The boy is 17... And yes, it is stupid to have unprotected sex. I have most certainly made my mistakes and have learned quite a bit from them. Hmm, there may be a reason I can comment on the subject. Kids have sex, well that's a news flash. They also need to know how to be responsible about it without paying for it for the rest of their lives. As if he isn't old enough to realize this...

KURTje

Amen Kasey. Can tell her thoughts here. Hey Eda - this routine has been going on forever! Get your head out of the sand. Yeah it might be dumb, but neither of us has made mistakes at that age.......er, right. How 1 sided on your part. Not to mention my mom's friends hitting on me when I was younger...I wasn't thinking like they were looking back on those scenerios. I thought they were putting their hands on me & squeezing themselves tightly to me because they were really outgoing. Know better now.

Good 2 B Me

Q1...Why not mention that they could get a STD too?

vicariouslyAlive

im failing to see how this is an advice column... all Eda did was berate the guy in question 1. not a single shred of advice was give. sickening... if this lady gets her jollies off by yelling at people looking for help then this article series needs to be pulled before she ends up crossing the line. all it takes is someone with suicidal thoughts to write in for help on a simple subject and when this woman berates them like she's known to do... boom, life ended.

for the guy, hang in there. if she went and got the Plan B within 72 hours of intercourse, things will be alright, but don't let that be your constant fail safe. be smarter than that. i went through this exact same thing years ago, and plan B really saved my back side. people often forget what it was like to be young and run by emotion instead of common sense. by the looks of Eda's photo she's forgotten that stage of growth a long looooong time ago. and a second pearl of wisdom... USE A RUBBER!!! take it from some one that didnt, even though children are a blessing, it wont seem like it until your ready, both emotionally and financially. be smart, rap it before you tap it, or else you'll have to explain to a child that you raised the importance of safe sex sooner than you think... and when you can't use yourself and a good example of good choices, you end up having a tone of those "you don't want to be in my position when you grow up" conversations. save yourself from that.

Eda M. Handly

Tough crowd today! LOL... I did not berate this kid at all. Maybe I happen to say what everyone else is afraid too. And yes, Good 2 be me, STDs! That's why most of these kids today are running wild. Even grown adults have such a hard time because every one thinks we should coddle them, give em a hug, and say it's all going to be ok. Really? People need the hard truth sometimes.

vicariouslyAlive

im one of the last people that would ever think twice about pulling a verbal punch. i'm currently in the middle of a conversation on another forum about the benefits of Euthanasia and population control.

that being said, there is a time when coming down hard is effective. there is a place and a space for it, but when a person is actually concerned about the right things in life, that would probably be the worst time to bring up a mistake.

and lets say the guy was past the 72 hours for the Plan B, then what? you went after this kid and all of society for nothing. made yourself look like a pompous and sanctimonious individual that not only hasn't ever made a mistake in their life, but feels the need to play the role of executioner when someone does slip up.

what the guy did wasn't smart, i think just about everyone is agreeing about that, but the problem wasnt, "what do i do with the kid?" it was "i cant see my girl." so maybe your prejudices should have been set aside and looked at the real questions at hand.

deertracker

I too think Eda was a bit hard on the guy. Just because he is 17 in no way means he can't be in a relationship. Everyone expects their children to be all grown up and responsible yet they fail to teach them the proper things to be responsible. You are NEVER going to stop kids from having sex. It is human nature. Educate them about all the pros and cons and hope for the best. The "hard truth" is one thing but you totally dogged the guy.

BW1's picture
BW1

"Just because he is 17 in no way means he can't be in a relationship"

No, but the fact that he lacks the control to pause and put a helmet on his soldier sure does.

It's important to note that past generations DID stop kids from having sex. Statistics don't lie - when there were no pills, IUD's, Plan B's, abortion was illegal, and condoms were made from sheep's intestines, out of wedlock births were 100 times lower than they are today.

Eda M. Handly

If my advice is "dogging" him, I would really hate to see how you bleeding hearts would handle the situation if it were your kids... I said nothing negatively detrimental to his psyche or so outlandish; that I wouldn't tell my own son.

deertracker

Well, he is not your son so maybe a softer approach would have been more effective. IMO, the words stupid and ignorant were not necessary to get your point across. Irresponsible would maybe be a better choice. I am not accusing you of being "detrimental to his psyche" but your response seemed more scolding than helpful.

Eda M. Handly

You're right, he's not my son. If he were, the Register would not be able to publish what I would say to him. He's not your son either. Or IS he? It was stupid and ignorant. Period. You're certainly entitled to your opinion but I will not begin sugarcoating my advice just because it makes a few people uncomfortable.

vicariouslyAlive

the point of an advise column is to be helpful. now, if it were the mom writing to you about how her daughter and her boyfriend were doing the deed, then you might have a bit more ground to scold the young man, but since it was the young man that wrote to you, it would be smart to take an approach that doesn't involve attacking the people that make your column possible. if all people are going to get is berated when they submit things that arent in tune with your own personal beliefs, then they'll slowly dwindle to nothing.

there are times when people need to be talked down too as an effective way to show them the error of their ways, but when someone is more concerned about seeing their girlfriend than being scared out of their pants that they might have a child, it just might show this guys heart is in the right place, so you should have treated him as a compassionate person rather than trying to play the mother. im sure he has hi own mother to yell at him.

deertracker

Agreed! No, it is not my son but the kid was looking for direction not a verbal beat down.

Eda M. Handly

I don't get how any of you view it as an attack. My advice was clearly stated: "Grow up and concentrate on making a life for yourself before you ever again consider doing something so ignorant that could result in bringing another life into this world." Yes, people make mistakes and sometimes we don't see the "error of our ways" until someone like me is bold enough to point it out rather than always try to be everyone's best friend.

Obviously, people do continue to come to me because they appreciate my honesty. Not everyone will like what I have to say and that's ok. Opinions are like...

A gentleman once write into my website and wanted to know why his girl was "stringing him along by a leash." After hearing his story I flat out told him he was actually "following her around like a sad, lost puppy." He wrote me back and told me how much he appreciated my advice.

So, what I SHOULD do is continue to do what I do... Thanks for reading!

BW1's picture
BW1

Perhaps the problem they have is comprehending the message because you didn't spell it out explicitly enough for them - "Too bad kid, you went too far, too fast, and you blew it. Cowboy up and move on. She could have been the love of your life, but you couldn't be bothered to do things right, so now she's gone and that's life - get over it."

If he really cared so deeply for her, he might have thought about how an unplanned pregnancy would hit her life a lot harder than it would his.

PaulYall

I need a hug!

KURTje

Eda what a bunch of garbage. You did not like what I said about YOU. Nothing like that double standard. Just don't serve in combat now...you will find out quickly about adhering to facts.

Eda M. Handly

LOL! I'm sorry kURTje, I didn't mean to leave you out of the convo. Garbage? No, I pretty much speak the truth and my thoughts. I really didn't pay much attention to what YOU said about ME. Maybe it went over my head. Blame it on the blonde... :/ I'm not combative, you all give your thoughts and I respond.

luvblues2

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luvblues2

Neither the boy or the girl are mature enough to contain their emotions. This will not end here, since they have been refused to see each other by someone other than themselves, again. I can promise that. More than likely, the girl will end up pregnant. If one wants two teenagers who think they are madly in love and cannot be separated, separate them and see what happens. Think Romeo and Juliet.

It would be better to keep them together, chaperoned and discuss the situation, rather than cut all ties. They WILL find a way to be together, if the people in charge demand they don't. Especially at 17 and 18 yrs. old.

Let them grow out of their infatuation for each other in a controlled manner. Otherwise, the opposite will happen.

BW1's picture
BW1

No decent parent accepts some guy too dumb to pause and put on a condom as good enough for their daughter. You bleeding hearts just can't bear a world where there are mistakes with lasting consequences.

Normally, Eda is the last person I would defend - far too much new age garbage in her advice most of the time, but this time she's dead on. Some of you have confused advice with impulse validation.

luvblues2

I have one son and two daughters grown and living on their own, BW1. Don't tell me how crap worx. I KNEW what they were doing because I did it myself. Instead of trying to corral them, I took them aside and explained the consequences. After all, one of my kids "happened" from my and their mom's said consequences. One can't make their kids do anything. AND, if they get old enough, you certainly will not stop them by just saying, "NO!"

You will end up pushing them in the opposite direction.

luvblues2

Put it to ya this way, BW1 and Eda. Say you take your 3 kids to church. One of them farts and they all start laughing. Both parents give them the evil stare and the finger over the mouth meaning "shush". They start laughing even harder. Then the parents give the real evil glare and whisper (shut up). That in turn, seems to cause their faces to turn red and tears come from the eyes and they're holding their hands over their mouths to keep from bursting out laughing.

Put another ten to twelve years on that same attitude.

Grounding them and keeping eyes on their studies and chores is the only thing that works. Doing what Nancy Reagan said, "Just say no", doesn't. You need to explain.

vicariouslyAlive

the boy's submission wasn't about being worried about getting her pregnant and what in the hell he was going to do about it. if it was, then a certain amount of ridicule might have been justified. his problem was not being able to see the girl he says he loves. since that was the issue he was bringing up, that should have been the issue addressed. that would be like if i wrote to Eda saying i have a pitbull and my girlfriends mother wouldn't let her come over anymore because of the dog, and the Eda began to berate me about the dog attack stistics instead of advising me about the problem i brought up.

and using or not using a condom, birth control, or any other kind of contraception holds no baring on how one person can feel for another. yes, unprotected sex holds it's negative implications at that age, but lets say he plans on a career in the military and will be receiving the salary associated from that? then would it be feasible that having a child might not be that detrimental? what about her family? what if they all band together so this girl can at least attend day classes at firelands? yes, having a child does make things more difficult, but it doesn't always mean it's the end.

judging by the guy wanting to fight to see his girlfriend shows that he's not one of those kinds of guys just looking to score and bail. he does show some signs of responsibility in the areas of taking responsibility for his actions, no matter how stupid or preventable that they seem to be. so calling him ignorant because he didn't question whether or not she was pregnant isn't exactly correct. he probably publicize that concern to you in his submission because that question wasn't part of why he was contacting you. of course he'd be worried about it, just because he didn't put it down in the black and white doesn't mean it's on his mind... chances are, him worrying about if she was pregnant or not was his motivation for wanting to see her, and he was coming to you for help on how to make the possible so he could address those kinds of questions and concerns for himself after step one (contact with the potential mother of the potential child) was completed. but i bet that thought didn't cross your mind before you started to degrade the guy now did it?

Eda M. Handly

First of all, you can't possibly compare this situation to the hypothetical you give. Besides, I love pit bulls! Have one. Second of all, you're right, he asked for advice on how to see his girl: if you can't read between the lines, he needs to let it go. Mom already handled that. And Luv, I agree, you can't keep kids away from each other. It will certainly cause more problems, but if this kid hears from an unbiased party how IGNORANT both of their actions were and how the mother had a right to act the way she did, it may get his little wheels-a-turnin'. I did not judge him in any way. I simply stated a fact. He may care for this girl, but that in no way shows that he is responsible. He needs to grow up a lot more before he is even capable of having any kind of relationship. I hope kids his age read this response for years to come and think before they put themselves in a similar situation.

BW1, exactly and thanks.

luvblues2

I hope the kids read All these responses and take away something they can use. Very rarely does one take advice from just one other and walk away happy.

PS, Eda. Telling a 17 yr. old boy that he's ignorant will just tick him off. After you say that, he doesn't hear anything else you have to say. I have been a 17 yr. old boy. Have you?