My ex is having a 'shotgun wedding' but I still care about him

Anonymous
Jan 16, 2013

Q: Two years ago I met this guy and I had an instant connection with him. We met at a New Year’s party that I was forced to go to as I was upset over my ex. When I got there he was the first person to greet me. I had seen him before and we both could never keep our eyes off each other. I had this secret crush on him but he's a little older than me and I knew he was married. That night his friends kept trying to get with me and I could tell he was getting jealous. He pulled me away to play beer pong and his wife was in the next room, sick. After our game his friend went to check on his wife and discovered her and his cousin having sex. Two of his friends and I went to comfort him. His two friends left and we shared a moment. That night I went home and stayed up all night thinking about how stupid I was for kissing a married man. He eventually divorced and we began dating. He told me he had a secret crush on me the whole time. We had a great relationship and were together for a year. We broke up because of other people being in our relationship but he never really stayed away. Now he's having a shotgun wedding. How do I give up on the only person I've ever felt this way about? What do I do? What can I do?

A: Aside from the fact that your relationship began like another teen movie, if it was so “great” the two of you would still be together. You were a rebound, a crutch to comfort him through the drama. If he had any intention of making it work with you, he would have called foul on everyone’s interference. Instead he decided to throw in the towel. Is that really someone you want to waste your energy on? And my guess is that wasn’t the only issue to your demise. If he cared about you as much you care about him, he wouldn’t be marrying someone else.  Do you think you can crash the wedding and convince him that you’re the only woman for him? Walk away. He’ll be divorced again in no time. By then, hopefully, you will have moved on and learned a few lessons along the way.
 

Q: I’m 18 years old, still in high school, and have been dating a girl for about 13 months. This has been my first long-term relationship and I have been learning as the relationship has progressed. For the majority of the relationship it has been relatively peaceful. However, for the past couple months my girlfriend and I have had multiple fights over seemingly little things. Now most of them have been resolved quickly, but it seems that we always continue to get in fights. I know that arguments are a normal aspect of any relationship, but I feel that recently arguments have been increasingly common. I understand when it is my fault and I’m willing admit my faults, however, I am reluctant to say I’m wrong when I know/believe I am right. I know that girls are sensitive, but I feel that my girlfriend can be overly sensitive or over-reactive. This week has been especially difficult on our relationship. She especially gets upset if I speak to other girls even if it’s in a classroom setting. For example, a girl in my class group had previously created a presentation with a dreadful PowerPoint. I made a comment to her about her PowerPoint and we make a joke out of it. I did not feel I crossed any boundaries and the rest of the class seemed normal. However my girlfriend was livid and avoided me the rest of the day. It turns out she tweeted saying negative things behind my back. The only reason I found out about her tweet was because another student asked me about it. I was angry she was telling me who I could talk to. I feel I always upset her despite trying to treat her great. This fight has really "broke the camels back" and I need advice. Despite our fights, I rarely get to see my friends, I am never home, and I feel that I am passing on a lot of family moments. I sometimes wish I didn't have a girlfriend because I want enjoy the things I use to do but then I love having a girlfriend. I need honest advice on what to. Should I stay and let the fight die down or leave and risk ruining her opinion of me?

A: It’s very true that arguments are a normal aspect of any relationship. That is, of course, when you’re dealing with two adults in the situation. Your relationship seems to be lacking at least one. You say you love having a girlfriend but you miss doing the things that basically make you the person you are. You don’t have a girlfriend — you have a gatekeeper who spreads your business on Twitter. In a healthy relationship we surely sacrifice and make compromises, but it seems she’s the high priestess ready to lay you down on the altar and draw blood with her dagger, forever binding you to her manipulation of choice. Who cares about her opinion of you? Sacrifice your soul or be single for a while and learn not to be walked all over? Tough choice.  You don’t love her, you love the idea of her. You may adore having a girlfriend, but unless you prefer being led by a leash, she isn’t the one.
 

Comments

asweetnessabove

1st question- move on! You can do better! If you were meant to be together, no one and I mean NO ONE, would have come between the two of you.

2nd question- a relationship is sacred and any and all problems, issues, fights etc should be between the two people in that relationship, and only those two people! You obviously know that and how to treat a lady. Now learn how not to be a rug. Go have fun. You're young, enjoy life a little, you shouldn't be ready for a dead serious relationship until you're at least 25. Go have fun being 18!

luvblues2

I watched you for a time with Matt last week, Ada. Good luck with your endeavor. I have been around your and Matt's type of behavior, (Both) In my lifetime. Let's just say it isn't something I would suggest, having lived through and with it. Have fun! :)

Eda M. Handly

Luv, I guess I'm not sure exactly what you mean by mine and Matt's type of "behavior" but I do appreciate the well wishes :)

starryeyes83

#2

An 18 year old uses the word "dreadful"? It sounds like a 30 year old wrote it.
Are these questions sent in by real people or made up?

luvblues2

Maybe the 18 year old is meticulous and knows how to use a dictionary and thesaurus? My mom taught me how to use both when I was in second grade. I'm still teaching her words to this day. THANKS MOM!!! :)

FlyBoy86

Wow...just wow. Here's some advise for everyone that'll make each person feel better. Get laid. Seriously. Find a random hookup and do the nasty.

transplant

Question #1, no one can "force" you to go to a party. That was your first mistake.

Question #2, get out of that relationship. She is controlling and will only get worse. A true girlfriend would be glad to take part in your family activities and not try to change who you are. Good luck to you.