Should I start a physical relationship with my best friend?

Anonymous
Nov 21, 2012

Q: I just broke up with my girlfriend for legitimate reasons. Anyway my best friend is also female. We moved in together along with my girlfriend and my friend and I have grown really close. We have also told each other that we have feelings for one another. We ignored it for a while and just continued to grow our friendship, as my relationship went from bad to worse.

My best friend was always there to give me advice when I needed it but most of all she cared and didn't put her emotions into her advice. The last couple of days we have laid it on the table that we care a lot about each other but neither of us wants anything serious. She said that she wants us to continue to be friends but with benefits. What is your advice on this and how do I get closer to her? I would love to cuddle and watch a movie or share a hug, but I don't know if she feels the same and I don't want to rush anything seeing as how I just got out of a relationship and because she is my best friend and I don't want to damage that.

A: You lucky dog! The last thing you should be considering right now is how to get closer. You have a unique opportunity here to have someone in your life who cares about you and receive most of the benefits of a relationship without all the complicated concerns of actually being a couple. Friends with benefits, well, it’s pretty self-explanatory. As far as damaging your friendship, the only thing that may accomplish that is you accepting her offer and trying to make more of it than it is. If you think the two of you are adult enough to handle this type of relationship, then go for it. There is really nothing to lose as long as you’re both honest and forthcoming.

However, don’t expect anything more than what is laid out in the beginning. You both need to establish rules and boundaries. If there comes a time when one of you wants or needs more, then you talk about it together and possibly redefine the relationship.

The only thing I should add is I hope the ex is no longer living with the two of you. That would just be weird and awkward. You must first close that door completely otherwise it may swing back blunt force and knock you right on your backside.
 

Comments

KURTje

Or if your name is Morris or you have blood from Brazil, you could play the song "Feelings." There is your answer.

mikel

hells to the yeah!

luvblues2

That would be pure stupidity. There is no such thing as "friends with benefits".

SamAdams

Where is the button you can click to report a COLUMN as "inappropriate?"

luvblues2

You have an AMEN! from the choir, Samantha.

luvblues2

It's as simple as this: if you have sex with your best friend, you are no longer friends, you are now lovers. Lovers say way much more than best friends do. A whole different ballgame. I don't care if you both write up a contract and have it signed and stamped. What is wrong with you?

starryeyes83

Wait! are all of these girls or a guy and two girls? Because, the "lucky dog" answer made no sense unless ya know the genders for sure.

That said, these questions are getting relly weird. It's gonna end up being a threesome, regardless.

Second Opinion

I'm in shock that America has an redeeming value left.

This advice even back in the 60's would be considered trash along with reputation of both the parties.

This paper moderates TRUTHFUL FACTS concerning abortion but permits this form of advice which might very well lead up to an abortion.

Eda might start to ponder the question; "What exactly does Gods command of not committing adultery or fornication mean and what are the consequences of breaking Gods laws and commandments?"

luvblues2

Not the freakin' abortion thing again, S.O. Doesn't that CD have another song on it?

thinkagain

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained Personal attacks (including: name calling, presumption of guilt or guilt by association, insensitivity, or picking fights) and Libel and defamation.

Second Opinion

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained Personal attacks (including: name calling, presumption of guilt or guilt by association, insensitivity, or picking fights).

KnuckleDragger

So Eda is advocating just hitting it? I hipe nobody is paying for this advise. Her advise is to play with the womans emotions, and use her as a sounding block and a sex toy. What an idiot!!!

2cents's picture
2cents

Your on the rebound!
One's lover and soulmate should be your best friend!
Was your best friend the one all along?
If you become intimate with this best friend you can never go back!
It could BFF/soulmates/true love, or it could be a fill in thing.
Either way your choice changes the future of two people forever.
How old are you, under 25 keep the friendship your too young to make those choices now!!!!

Yellow Snow

If you have to turn to an online forum to ask a relationship question, you most likely know the answer is no and you're just trying to justify a decision you know isn't good.

Eda M. Handly

Yes, friends with benefits does exist. Just because you don't understand something or have never experienced it yourself, doesn't make it non-existent. It's not inappropriate, it's a legitimate question with a legitimate answer. There are all types of relationships in this world and as long as the parties are honest with each other and themselves they can work for as long as they need them to. Not everyone is ready to be in a committed relationship and they may never be for that matter. There is no right or wrong answer here. There is only honesty and what is right for the individuals regardless of all the nay-sayers with their holier-than-thou, irrelevant opinions. People should always be true to themselves, not what everyone else thinks they should be...

Second Opinion

No right or wrong answer here?

So all moral teachings should not be considered into the equation? Sounds like a spoiled and selfish ignorant viewpoint.

If this was an HONEST article the issue of morals would be discussed instead of removed.

What exactly is your viewpoint on Gods command to "NOT COMMIT ADULTERY" ???? Or do you consider all religions worthless of discussion and consideration.

Eda M. Handly

You're inferring that I do not have morals. Being HONEST is a moral I hold dear and definitely a way of life. Read again what I wrote. This has nothing to do with adultery and obviously you don't read my column otherwise you would know my thoughts on it. And no, I don't believe religion to be worthy of discussion here.

Second Opinion

Sadly, you've no clue to the term 'morals' or you wouldn't have posted this reply.

By your definition Judas would have had morals since he was concerned about the poor, but we know he betrayed Christ with lies and Christ ended up being crucified. So was Judas 'moral' because he had feelings for the poor?

A prostitute that tells the truth, do you considered them 'moral'? Or what about an animal abuser that takes care of homeless people, are they 'moral'?

Your failure is not understanding the concept along with the depths of the law of absolutes.

Please, tell us why telling the truth makes you 'moral' but sanctioning fornication and adultery doesn't make one immoral?

Your opinions are just that, opinions, they're not based upon evidence or factual documentation and certainly not based upon any absolute since you specifically stated that religion isn't worth of the discussion when considering fornicating or adultery!

I honestly don't expect you to understand or even begin to comprehend what 'absolutes' are or where they began, first you have to realize that you are not the authority of right or wrong, that is determined by a higher authority than ourselves, the differences being you refuse to acknowledge any authority besides you experiences and personal desires of what you want to be truth.

luvblues2

Thanx for the deletion, S.O. Knock it off with the "prohibition" crap.

Eda M. Handly

Well, luv, I doubt that but I guess you'll just have to wait for my memoir. No one is damned here... only those who fail to open their minds and their hearts.

luvblues2

I will await your memoir, Eda. As long as I don't have to pay for it. I have never paid cash for sex and never will. Even if it's in print or film. I've paid for it with heart and soul. Playing your ill advised game will lead to a broken heart.

Eda M. Handly

That's funny. Lol... guess you'll never read it. It's not just about sex, that's being rather presumptuous.

KURTje

Geez Eda; don't be so sensitive. (glad you look here)

Eda M. Handly

I'm not being sensitive at all. Simply giving my thoughts just like everyone else. I have much experience to speak about, hence why I do what I do. :)

Yellow Snow

Sexual gratification and attraction are different than love. One passes, the other is for ever. One can doom a relationship, the other can enhance it. You have to recognize the difference and accept the consequences.

Eda M. Handly

Very well spoken Yellow Snow. One can also learn a lot from both. Hope you all have a great holiday!

Second Opinion

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained Personal attacks (including: name calling, presumption of guilt or guilt by association, insensitivity, or picking fights).

Randy_Marsh

Adultery is between a MARRIED person and another. Maybe i missed it but neither of the two are married.

Second Opinion

Good question, here lies the answer,

1 Corinthians 6:9-10

""Don’t delude yourselves — people who engage in sex before marriage (fornication) , who worship idols, who engage in sex after marriage with someone other than their spouse (adultery), who engage in active or passive homosexuality,... none of them will share in the Kingdom of God.""

There are 31 other verses condemning fornication.

Randy_Marsh

Second Opinion
Maybe these folks do not perscribe to your religion and have different values. The article was about the social and emotional rammifications of co-habitation with a sexual component. If you read your bible and believe that is great but to dictate to others what can and cannot be done is not advice, Thats a mandate. Im sure in this day and age almost everyone you meet isnt going to make it by strict observance, I like BLT's too much.

Second Opinion

A study our nation’s history reveals that we are a society of ‘JUDICIAL” laws, the framework set forth in the Old Testament of the Bible. We are a Christian Judeo society; at least we use to be for first 200 years. This is an indisputable fact which is laced throughout the writings of our nation’s founders and historical writers.
As to your statement that others do not prescribe to my religion and have different values, my reply is the majority now have a religion but not one that is of any historical or built upon any substance. Today’s ‘Religion” is like a person walking at a buffet table, taking only those things that they want and leaving behind the foods that taste terrible but are good for them. Modern ‘religion’, including most Christians have never read the books of the ones they take the name of. Then when they are presented with quotations from the books written by the ‘god’ they claim to follow they get upset and deny its context, though they actually never read it themselves. What’s said is they crucify the messenger and continue to claim they are ‘religious’ or ‘Christian.
Concerning your idea that this article was about 'ramifications of co-habitation"; then who more to ask and opinion of than the one who says if you commit fornication or adultery you will not be able to enter Heaven? Don’t you think that’s worth consideration or when God says you will pay by other means all through life for your rebellion for committing sexual sins. God says to FLEE sexual sins, ‘for no other sin affect a person as sexual sins, every sin that a person commits is without the body but he that commits sexual sins sinneth also against his own body.
Those wishing to follow Eda’s advice are certainly allowed to do so, but I would hope that they would first ask what makes her the expert on morality? Where does she get her core values from, if she believes that it’s a free for all then can’t we assume she has no values?

There are so many warnings about sexual sins in the Bible, and sadly not one Christian or their ministers has seen fit to post a reply, so I contend that you won the battle, but not the war, judgment day is coming and everything will be exposed for what it is, including ill advice given by a newspaper to the youths of this area.

Randy_Marsh

@Second Opinion
Please do not get me wrong, I am not attacking your religion at all I am mearly pointing out the fact that not everyone shares your dogma. Enforcing your dogmatic laws apon others would create a theocracy that the founding fathers were definatly against (1st amend: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.) But I digress, This is a opinion article, Everyone is entitled to their own and respect for differing opinions without damnation to hell should be recognized and tolerated for what they are, Opinions and advice. (Your advice is just as good as anyones if someone adheres to it.)

Eda M. Handly

Last I checked this is not a "holy" day. Maybe you should brush up on your history. This is one "second opinion" I will certainly pass on as I am sure others will as well...

Second Opinion

Eda said: """Last I checked this is not a "holy" day. Maybe you should brush up on your history.''

The FIRST Thanksgiving was held in 1690 at Berkeley Plantation located at Jamestown which was to be held "‘yearly and perpetually kept HOLY to GIVE THANKS TO GOD'" as a day of thanksgiving to the Almighty for the blessings bestowed upon them.

Didn't your parents teach you anything about family values, the meaning of HOLYdays, what the difference is between being chase and being an infidel who believes fornication and adultery has no review by religious teachings?

You may pass on my posts as you obviously have done throughout life with important issues, such as HIStory and religious teachings, but being a casuist endangers and encourages others to trod a path that God has said leads to total ruin. Those with even a limited knowledge of historical teachings concerning the entire destruction of Empires due to immorality are sitting back and shaking their heads in disbelief on how you beguile and mislead others with a pretense that your qualified to advice others. You provide NO support of your advice, its 100% conjecture on what YOU want and accept to be true.

Second Opinion

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained Personal attacks (including: name calling, presumption of guilt or guilt by association, insensitivity, or picking fights) and Lengthy excerpts from other websites.

Eda M. Handly

My advice is based on years of experience and watching others. You have a very twisted and distorted view on things and everything you have posted here really doesn't warrant a further response from me. All I can say is there is a reason I am the one giving people advice and not you.

Second Opinion

" You have a very twisted and distorted view "

ISN'T THIS A PERSONAL ATTACK? Why therefore is your post not deleted?
How convenient to be able to hide behind the delete button instead of answering valid questions.

I suppose that I will be kicked off the forum now since I asked a question that you will refuse to answer.

Eda M. Handly

First of all, I did not nor do I have the power to delete anything on here. Second, I refuse to continue any type of dialogue with you referring to any religion or lack thereof. I don't prescribe to your beliefs so your arguments are for naught and I refuse to explain myself to someone whose mind I cannot even penetrate (no pun intended). As Randy said, I am sure someone out there is searching for YOUR type of advice, I most certainly am not. Many people seek my advice and I will continue to my job exactly how I see fit regardless of whether you disagree. However, there are many niches out there that need to be filled; you could always start your own column instead of attacking ones you disagree with. Ya know, make your difference where you can instead of wasting it on someone who is as strong minded and set in their ways as yourself. Good day...

titanfan84

I believe in friends with benefits one you have to test the waters before you jump into anything I had a friend and his wife split up cause they were not sexullay compatible my wife and I were friends with benefits in college and we are now married so I say go for it

KnuckleDragger

Unfotunately, your kind of thinking is flawed. In fact there are several studies out there that show the 10 year divorce rate for couples who had lived together prior to marriage is nearly double that of couples who did not cohabitate prior to marriage. With divorce rates already pushing the 50% mark, why in the heck would anybody participate in an act that is likely to increase the chance of it happening? Please don't construe this to mean that you will definately divorce, I am just pointing out the perception vs. the reality of co-habitation.

Eda M. Handly

You can't be serious? You're thinking is as flawed as Second Opinion's.

Second Opinion

Another personal attack by Eda, when does her posts get deleted for disobeying the rules?

Eda M. Handly

He said her thinking was flawed, I simply said his was as much as yours. No rule broken. Everyone keeps talking facts here, yet he gave none himself. I don't care how many studies are done, experience speaks volumes over some study done with a limited number of people. The reasons for divorce are far reaching whether or not a couple lives together prior to...

luvblues2

Ya gotta love this internet stuff. On one side, I have a prude who hates me for abortion, and on the other side I have a free sex flier that is enjoying her Bohemian lifestyle. Don't even hafta leave the house. :) Well, time to walk the dog. That takes leaving the house and locking the doors.

Eda M. Handly

There go those presumptions again, luv...

luvblues2

Pardon my presumptions, Eda. One can't really see the inflection in text unless the author takes the time to fully explain. I am guilty of it myself.

Eda M. Handly

That is very true, I am as well. The only downfall of the internet, we lose a very important tool in conversation, tone.

Second Opinion

I never said I hated you, on the contrary.

I'm not fighting only for the unborn, I'm fighting for you.
The scriptures teach that those who take an infants life will be judged as murderers, and I don't want you or others to be in that position and I'm willing to be hated by you, abused, cursed at, even harmed, but my conscience dictates that your a person of worth, even if what you defend is the 21st century holocaust.

Judge me however you wish, it matters not, my conscience is clear. I take no glory even in fact that Hitler was condemned by God at his judgement. If I or any real Christian were able to prevent his destruction when standing before God we would do it. In the realm of spiritual truth, Hitler was no worse a person than myself, the only difference being is I've been forgiven by the unconstitutional sacrifice Christ made for me on the cross. Jesus said that he that hates his brother has killed them in their heart and is in danger of hell fire. Jesus said that if you break ONE OF GOD COMMANDS / LAW ITS THE SAME AS BREAKING THEM ALL, well, I'm guilty of breaking all of them, including murder! Knowing these truths compels me to warn others of the things I've learned over the many years; life is short and there must be accountability when it ends or there is no justice.

Accuse me of many things but not of hating you, Yes, I'm determined like John the Baptist and others, however the ones who you should question if they love you are the ones who know what the Bible teaches concerning these things and refuse to place themselves in positions of vulnerability by pointing out facts to get one to think away from their ritualistic and distorted logic.

Have a good walk.

starryeyes83

Please get off your pulpit, not everyone believes as you do.

People are not going to stop having sex because you spout your bible verses.

This is a simple case of hooking up, shacking up or hell, maybe, it will end up being a menage a trois.

In either case, we don't know the ages or the genders of any of them.

KURTje

Eda you crack us up.

Eda M. Handly

I do what I can...

SamAdams

Okay, let's forget religion for a moment (that's not a slam on those with or without religiously-based lifestyles/values, but rather the start of my point here). Consider instead what's more immediately pertintent here:

"Wounded Boy" is coming off a relationship that didn't end well and is, in fact, not over if he's still residing in the same house.

"Best Friend" may be ready, willing, and able, but "Wounded Boy" ISN'T, even if he says he is. (If he can turn off his emotions over his just failed relationship, then he's damaged goods in more ways than one, and if he can't, then he's not ready.)

Meanwhile, for "Best Friend" to say and do the things she has, my guess is that she's applying for "More Than Friends" status whether she says she's fine with the idea of "friends with benefits" or not. "Wounded Boy" will just break her heart, and "Best Friend" will almost certainly become "Weeping Girl," or, even worse, "Obsessed Stalker Woman," followed eventually by "Ex-Friend."

There, see? No morals involved, just common sense and ordinary human nature. So now we all know it's a bad idea for TWO good reasons. Eda? Still insist it's totally awesome that people just do whatever feels good whenever it does? Keep in mind, of course, still a little more VERY basic psychology: Those who live that way — who do whatever feels good on the basis of it feeling good — are selfish, typically lacking in self-esteem, and extraordinarily immature; and that's assuming they don't have far worse mental foibles to deal with.

For the record: Yeah, I've cohabitated. Yes, I've been married. Yes, I've had a one night stand. (Not simultaneously, but thanks for asking!) But unlike many, I've actually taken some lessons away from those things, and certainly wouldn't be telling other people to follow in my footsteps "as long as they agree" or as long as it feels good at the time! The emotional fall-out alone makes it just not worth it.

queenjhb

sam adams, you should write the column. I agree w/ you on this.

thinkagain

It's painfully obvious that this columnist has no good answer to the two-part question: Is there anything wrong with anything, and why?
The tragic truth is the effect all moral relativists like her have had on creating a moral vacuum in our young people. There is no right and wrong. There is no reason for anything. People who embrace this worldview vehemently oppose evangelical Christians who believe the Bible when it says that Jesus is “the way, and the truth, and the life”. I won't bother continuing, because it is not my job to convince the secular humanists of the unchanging Word of God. It is my job to present them with the gospel. It is the Holy Spirit's job to convince/convict them.

The Big Dog's back

neverthinks, think whatever you want, just don't legislate your beliefs onto others.

thinkagain

Why not? You’re trying to.