BLOG: Marriage Is Obsolete, Says Divorcee

Bryan Dubois
Nov 19, 2010

Big news on the social front:

I was about to say, "yeah, it's obsolete says the 4 in 10 who got divorced" but Kottage Kat pretty much beat me to it:

On that note, let's open this thread to divorcees who would care to share their positive divorce stories...(If there is such a thing as a positive divorce - especially when kids are involved.)

And we're not talking about the non-typical divorces where a spouse was forced to leave because of violence.  Those situations are really bad and I'm sure nobody who supports the idea of marriage would fault an abused spouse for separating under those circumstances.  No, we're talking about the marriages that end because "it just didn't work out" or "I just don't love him/her anymore."

Comments

Kottage Kat

Bryan,

My divorce was not was not a hate filled, battle to the end. Having no children, it wa just that we grew apart, and he found someone else and moved on. That was 23 years ago, and from day one all I wanted for him was to be happy. Having studied other married couples, I see that some people are meant to be married, I simply was not and was making my former husband miserable in the process. I was not one of the women who saw marriage and the be all, or end all to life.  Not to say that ajustments and tough times were not down the road. I simply find that the solitude, and not riding the emotinal roller coaster far more suited to who I am than being married.  There are many successful and happy marriage out there, and I am sure that it can be done. When weighing the pro's and con's I simply find it overrated, and not something I would want to invest in again.  In all fairness to my former husband, he has found the happiness he yearned for and I would want nothing less for him. Perhaps I have not said this well, and when I read it again after a cup of coffee may want to comment further.  

Pete

Mine wasn't terrible either. Expensive yes. But terrible no. I just signed everything over and walked away.

The only issue we had was when she discovered she couldn't afford the house. That got into a nasty time, but other than that. The youngin was 18 so that wasn't an issue either

In fact I still talk to her to the day. Just got a text from her a bit ago

Kottage Kat

The headline mis-quotes me, I did not say obsolete I said overrated. Perhaps it is outdated, and will be come a thing of the past, I in no way discourage anyone from getting married. I just see people getting married in June and divorced in Oct.  I was young, came from a generation that thought being married was the "thing" to do, totally oblivious to the reality. Today the media, and Hollywood glamorize marriage, they make it seem easy to do and easy to undo. The dream of the husband, house and babies often fades, and the art of compromise is lost in the "me" world.  When the days of "wine and roses" are over, they are not ready to settle in and just make the sacrifices. Having done all of that it was time for us to part ways, and we did. I did not get the divorce, believed in the sanctity of marriage, felt that it was over rated for what I was getting out of the marriage. My former husband and I do not communicate, we have no reason for that. His spouse prefers he not do that and I will respect her wishes, not ugly, just her choice and he complies with that. I still communicate with his family, and my brother-in-laws  do not like the term ex, or former, can't be politically correct with them. I did not have to be " right I had to be happy, and I am.

Bryan Dubois

Kat, that headline wasn't actually meant to quote you personally, it's more like a joke about how I think most people who are divorced downplay the importance of marriage.  Again, not you personally.  I didn't even realize how it sounded until you pointed it out.  You did say overrated in your comment, not obsolete.  Also, nothing I wrote would apply to you because in your situation, you didn't seek a divorce.  You said that your husband did.  There are many divorcees who didn't want the divorce but were forced to protect themselves after their spouse filed the papers against them. 

I understand where you're coming from...

Kottage Kat

Having thought some more about this, and being a little better caffinated, I think that is is overated because of the emphisis some place on being married, rather than staying married. Going into marriage thinking you can change the other person is not the best route to take. I have often felt it is overrated because it does not meet the expectations some of us have/had about what marriage should be. I had no Dr. Phil, or Oprah to guide me through the process, it was trial and error, and that was not the solution either. You can live in what was, or you can move on to what can be in the future.  Thank you for the clarification, I was not quite seeing that way.

rainbow414

So we wonder why  marriages are having  such a tough time,  and the  unmarrieds  are  feeling the pressure?  Thankfully  we  are not  answerable  for  our  choices, or are we?   And  we also wonder  why there is  such lack of respect  for  one another  and our children are  bearing the consequences? 

 

Cross

Everything in our society has moved from long term and deep, to fast and transient.

Employers have no loyalty. People change jobs like clothes. Corporations are now about quick stock gains and not partnerships. People are now a commodity, just as in many marriages.

Entertainment is fast moving, and varied. Many people are more likely to play repetitive, shiny, and shallow video games or watch low IQ reality TV than to sit down with a book for a long read with depth.

Long conversations with friends have been replaced with texting and quicky messages on smart phones.

Is it any wonder in the type of fast food/fly by night world we've morphed into that marriage also has become a disposable commodity?

I'm afraid it isn't marriage that has become obsolete. It's our friendships and foundations that have.

starryeyes83

When you have idiotic  shows like "Bridezilla",   which  shows the emphasis on the ring and bling and dress and other the other material crap for  just one day.  Not the marriage , itself.

 

What  can we expect?

Pundit

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained personal attacks. Discussion Guidelines

Pundit

Moderators have removed this comment because it contained personal attacks. Discussion Guidelines

Pundit

Your not a conservative Bryan Dubious, your a reactionary. Lets take economic policy back to 1929, social policy back to 1950's. You're a Hoover Republican. 

"I'm a libertarian who wants to monitor your bedroom, doctor's office, and make sure you go to church!"- Bryan Dubious.

Cross

Pundit, rather than attacking someone starting an interesting conversation, why don't you make an observation or let your 'punditry' come across?

I personally feel that marriage should be out of the purview of government control. That said I feel the continued assault on the family unit by progressives and 'do anything' libertarians with a laissez faire mindset is bad for our society. This isn't a 1950s opinion, it is a legitimate question in an age where media and their allies flaunt alternative lifestyles and want to push sexual attitudes that some of us don't agree with into our mainstream lives.

I agree we should respect people. I do not agree we have to accept opinions and alternative lifestyles solely so we can be 'open' and 'progressive'. It'd be nice if this respect thing were a two way street, but all of us know it isn't and it's just a small subset who wish to push their agenda, and label anyone who disagrees with them via epithets.

 

Americanonly

To "Cross"  You are right on target.  I for one have been married for 45 years to the same person and have 3 grown children.  We knew marriage was a commitment and we knew you always had to work at a marriage.  It takes give and take on both sides but in today's society most want to be takers and not givers.  One rule was... never go to bed angry... second rule...neither one ever leaves the home with bitter words to the other.  We had plenty of disagreements but we worked at solving them, not running away from them.  Our children knew we had disagreements but always seen them resolved.  People who think they should never have those disagreements in front of their children are giving their children a false look at marriage.  My parents would have disagreements but I always saw them work them out and I appreciated the REAL look of a married couple, not a false impression.  We didn't have a big wedding.. and didn't start out putting our parents in debt for a wedding or putting ourselves in debt.  Today has become a "throw away" society, we throw away everything when it breaks and we throw away marriage instead of working to make it better, and last but certainly not least we throw away babies because it interfers with our life.  We don't solve problems anymore we run away from them.  We can't expect any different from children of today because they only see the "throw away" life style. 

thinktwice

Problem with Marriage is it brings in laws. Lets face it we try to make everyone happy when we find someone. Fact is, we should marry at the Justice of Peace and then move to another state. Also lots of pressure these days especially in a nosey City such as Sand. Everyone knows your business before you do and then you marry your partners friends and whatever else they want to shove your way.

Marry then move. It will up the successful marriage numbers.

Kottage Kat

I had wonderful role models for marriage, my parents were married for 55 years when my Dad died suddenly. I had Mom for 3 years after Dad died, and she missed him everyday. I emulated what I thought a marriage should be, and perhaps that was one of my failings. The term obsolete, loosely translated means , to me, having out served it usefulness. I do not think this term is quite applicable to marriage. As a Christian I believe that biblical marriage is a sacrament, and should be sacred. I also believe that it is an individual preference based on the beliefs and moral structure of society. I am going to open a can of worms on this one, where is the separation of church and state in marriage???  The government has invaded so much of our lives, and does not often leave decisions up to those who would make other choices.

I would like to see some stories about marriages that have just "gone by the wayside", and am curious to see if after a divorce some have re-married their former spouse successfully. Thank you  kat;}

The Goldenrule Name

Since the pill, marriage started on its way out.  When more women say "yes," not fearing pregnancy, then co-dependency lessens, and people will become more promiscuous.  People really don't want to be controlled by another; therefore, when there's a way around marriage, people will take it.  STDs are the only real things today keeping marriages together.  Once there are STD cures, marriage will not last another hundred years.  We will simply need to raise welfare to feed "our" children, like how our school system works.  Jesus in Matt. 19:10-12 actually commanded that we not marry, when translating the original Greek.  See: http://www.the-goldenrule.name/M... Also, fornication only meant prostitution in the original Greek.  Folks "just trust" corrupt authorities way too much.  Today's church is losing lots of attendance because they are holding onto Bible corruptions, as it opposes this non-marriage reality now taking place.

The Goldenrule Name (the-goldenrule.name)

kURT

@ Cross.

 

Your 1rst comment is 100%!

 

You sound like a sage.