The newspaper has more uses than a Swiss army knife

Mar 23, 2010


I may be the designated booster for all things online around here, but I am painfully aware of the fact that in many ways my beloved website will never equal the good, old "dead wood" edition.

The fact is, the newspaper itself is an amazing thing -- a miracle product, maybe the most useful thing in your house. (Seriously, Doug, the publisher, has recently been on a kick about how our websites don't promote the newspaper enough. So Doug, and circulation manager Bill, this one's for you.)

Here's a list of the stuff you can do with a newspaper (besides read all the excellent news coverage written therein):

    * Start a fire (but you knew that one).

    * Line a bird/hamster cage.

    * Protect the coffee table when you're polishing your shoes/cleaning your gun.

    * Keep warm. Nothing makes a coat more effective than crumpled newspaper.

    * Keep dry. Who really carries an umbrella anymore?

    * Make cool hats for your kids. My Dad used to do this, and they were the perfect thing for playing 'Paul Revere.'

    * Swaddle a newborn. Seriously, newsprint has antiseptic properties, so if you're ever out and about and unexpectedly have a baby, wrap it in newspaper until you can get to the hospital. I suppose it therefore would also be good for gunshot wounds for the same reason.

    * Absorb odors. This is a new one on me, but the recent issue of "Cook's Illustrated" recommends it. If you have a container that has a smell, say a tupperware that housed garlic or something that resembled a failed science experiment when you found it in the back of the 'fridge, wash it, dry it, then stuff it with newspaper. In a day or two, it'll be odor free -- the ink absorbs smells.

Note: Fixed the stray comma. Thanks for the heads up.



Don't take this wrong, but maybe you need to visit e-harmony. Aren't you the one who wants to marry the murdering widow from Norwalk? I have read some of your posts, (about the cats) and you sound like an alright person. (anyone who loves cats can't be all bad). Anyway, good luck.


Mr. White:

I am surprised you feel you have the newspaper knowledge to advise "Bill" just what the "deadwood" product is good for. (didn't know how to end that sentence without the prep).

Have you thought to ask Bill about NIE, and the years he has spent getting The Register into classrooms?

Getting the newspaper into hotels, on the counter, and into the room for tourists?

Into the fast-food market, a free paper with "your breakfast".

Then, the everyday coupon usually on Page 2 of The Register, which offers at least 50 cents worth of food and drink----AND, a newspaper.

Mr. White, your 2 cents worth of the value of the newsprint edition is ancient history. There is tremendous value of this newspaper, published entirely from scratch every day. The absolute best Current Events for our youth. The teachers love it.

Don't take this out on "Bill", he hasn't a clue who I am.


Mr. White: "˜...our websites don't promote the newspaper enough.'

In the early twentieth century, was it the auto companies' job to help buttress the declining sale of horses?

Close down the hard copy version - Save some trees and use electrons.

Another practical use for newspapers: Packing and wrapping material for shipping and storage.


Only homos play Paul Revere


You can also use the paper to:

1.) Lasagna garden - seriously, layer newspapers with soil in a flower bed - reduces weeds and breaks down into great mulch/rich soil
2.) Wrap fish
3.) Make confetti
4.) Clean (read this in Dear Abby one time... apparently polishes up quite a bit)
5.) Insulate a house on the cheap
6.) Get enlightened