Celebrity Deathmatch: Sandusky

Jason Singer
Mar 23, 2010

 

Officials are always whining they can’t raise enough money to balance the city’s budget. In 2009, Sandusky faces a $961,000 deficit. I believe, however, the city could remedy its money problems in just one night.

How could Sandusky raise so much cash so quickly? Celebrity Deathmatch: Sandusky.

Celebrity Deathmatch: Sandusky, a spin-off of the MTV television show, would pit local rival celebrities against each other in hand-to-head, mano-y-mano, no-holds-barred deathmatches.

Not only would residents pay buckets of money to see some of these bouts, but — since the only way to win the match is by slaying your opponent — it would also allow the city to collect lots of estate taxes (sometimes called the death tax by Republicans).

So without further ado, here’s the lineup card for Celebrity Deathmatch Sandusky:

Matt Kline vs. Kim Nuesse: The main event of the night. Instead of spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on a Civil Service hearing and sexual harassment lawsuit, Kline and Nuesse could make the city hundreds of thousands of dollars by participating in this barbed-wire, steel-cage matchup for the ages. On one hand, Nuesse might have the edge, because she has police training. She can also use her night stick and handcuffs, which are both legal in this venue. But Kline is bright — he became mayor of his hometown while still in college — and makes more than $100,000 per year, so I’m sure he can afford a pretty good trainer heading into this bout. Kline vs. Nuesse = Must-see TV.

Matt Westerhold vs. Kevin Baxter: The Prince of Print versus the Pale-faced Prosecutor — not bad for an undercard. Westerhold has rage on his side: He believes Baxter dodges hard questions, hides from the truth, participates in shady dealings and is basically the Lord Voldemort of Erie County. But Baxter is legally crafty — he could probably get the match continued month after month until Westerhold pleads frustration. Plus, Baxter lives a hard lifestyle, which may have prepared him for an all-out fight to the death. Either way, it should be a fun viewing experience. It could even be the main event, depending on the public’s wishes.

Stahl/Fuqua/Farrar/Warner vs. Kaman/Waddington/Brown: The voting blocs on the city commission go head-to-head in a Celebrity Deathmatch: Sandusky! At first glance, Team Stahl has four participants, so they have the advantage. But Team Kaman has Dave Waddington, a former world-champion weightlifter who probably counts as two people. One caveat for this fight: The winner gets to name the losers’ replacements on the commission.

John Eymann vs. Tim Schwanger: Schwanger, the Waterfront Watchdog, has a lot of bark. He’s been woofing against the Marina District project since Day One. At six feet and more than 200 pounds, he looks like he’s got a lot of bite, too. Eymann on the other hand doesn’t look like a fighter. The developer from Columbus, with his academic glasses and his 160-pounds-when-soaking-wet physique, might need reinforcements in this one. Then again, corporate execs don’t go down without a fight: Just look at the AIG execs, who will scrap for their $165 million in bonuses, even if it costs them their company, reputations and integrity. Eymann might be tougher than we think.

Tickets cost $100 each, and all proceeds go to directly to the city’s $961,000 deficit. Budget problems solved. Wendy Kromer will cater the event.

Comments

Matt Damon

no

reader

Finally a replacement for the late Art Buchwald. LOL Funny blog, Jason !

00SEVEN

Way to funny, but the only problems I can for see are as follows:

IN THE RED CORNER FIGHTING OUT OF 222 MEIGS STREET FOR CEDAR POINT

1. Kline would be disqualifies for unappreciated touching. Nuesse wins
2. Baxter could never pass the drug test, Westerhold wins
3. Stahl/Fuqua/Farrar/Warner, let me see Stahl would be on his cell phone to Murray trying to determine which side he should be on, Fuqua would be too busy combing his hair and looking in the audience taking instructions from his wife Mary, Farrar would look like she was already defeated with her bobble head syndrome, Warner would be working on his comb over and looking for Stahl to see which side he has gone to.

IN THE BLUE CORNER FIGHTING OUT OF SANDUSKY FOR THE TAXPAYERS:

1. Kaman and Waddington win by default, since Brown ran over to the RED corner, truth and honesty prevail thus making them the ULTIMATE CHAMPIONS.

John Eymann vs. Tim Schwanger: Tim Schwanger wins by default since no one knows where John Eymann is.

Referee - the HAAGS

MrSandusky

Hmmmm wait a minute....I seem to remember this being in the Sandusky Regurgitator this summer.....almost word for word.