I love my guy, but what if he doesn't love me?

Q: There's a guy and we have been on and off constantly. I love him so much but he doesn't love me. Recently we have been trying to get back together. He wants to take things slow, which is fine, but there's something missing. He's not very emotional and he claims he's shy and has anxiety. Shouldn’t there be more of a connection after a year? What kind of guideline should there be if we want to make this successful? I'm 19 and he is 24.
Anonymous
Oct 10, 2012

 

A: Unfortunately, age has nothing to do with your conundrum. An on and off relationship is like a dog chasing his tail. If after a year, he is not only making excuses but is exhibiting no connection with you, it’s not going to come any time soon. The first guideline of having a successful relationship is mutual chemistry. I’m all for taking things slow, but if after a year you have yet to experience any excitement, it’s time to turn the page.

 

Q: I've been with my current boyfriend for almost four months now, and we were close friends for a year prior. He was trying to win me over in the process of me going on and off with my ex who caused a lot of drama in my life but I can never seem to get over my ex. I'm always wondering "what if" and catch myself wishing I was with him at times I should be enjoying my boyfriend's company. This was an issue when I told my boyfriend a week into our relationship that maybe this wasn't the right idea, I didn't know how I felt. He never really gave me time and still tried to stay with me. In essence my ex and I never really broke up. 

Now my ex is trying to start conversations here and there and I know I'm not supposed to involve myself and be in contact with him but I can't help it. I have a weak spot for him. There is a place in my heart that he'll never leave no matter what he does. I don't know what to do. Should I try to get more into my boyfriend, who by the way is a complete gentlemen, or break up and go back into the cycle of not being sure what tomorrow's going to bring but knowing that I feel so happy when I'm with my ex? 

There's going to be heartbreak either way.

A: You made a terrible mistake of opening one door before closing the other. You can’t possibly begin a relationship with one guy when you still have feelings for another. You should have stuck to your initial thoughts of  “this wasn’t the right idea.” There is going to be heartbreak and you are just going to have to suck it up and make a decision. Frankly, you shouldn’t be with either.

One causes you drama and the other, while he seems to be into you, you don’t feel the same. How fair is it to him that you think of another guy when you’re together? Even if you get over the other guy, which doesn’t seem likely very soon, are you really that into your boyfriend? Should he be completely committed to you while you struggle with your fidelity and have habitual, fleeting thoughts of a false perfection?

It appears you need to take some time to yourself. Get over the dramatic bad boy and realize that you deserve better. Maybe then, you can be with someone like your current boyfriend who is good to you: someone who will not treat you as a convenience.

Each week in the Sunday Register, “Ask Eda” features two questions and answers on all things related to human interaction — love, dating, relationships, families and the workplace. Readers can email relationship questions to askeda@sanduskyregister.com, or mail Ask Eda, Sandusky Register, 314 W. Market St., Sandusky, OH 44870.

Advice columnist Eda M. Handly left her job in the legal industry to start a life-coaching and relationship-advice business based in Sandusky. Her website is love-sources.com.