It’s driving me crazy she says she loves me but if you love someone why would you keep it a secret? I'm making poor decisions in our relationship because of the stress, lies, and secrets. We have tried splitting up but we keep coming back. We are best friends and miss each other dearly when we are separated. I feel like our relationship was doomed from the beginning. I am willing to put the legwork in if we can be happy but it seems like it’s one thing after another with us. Please help!
A: This isn’t an on-and-off relationship, this is completely rancid. And you would be correct in your assumption that it was doomed from the beginning. For crying out loud, you’ve only been at this for 14 months and you have as many issues as Bonnie and Clyde. All you need now is a couple pistols, a stolen car, and a few aggravated felonies under your belts and the two of you are golden!
You can’t continue in such a toxic relationship due to the obscene challenges you're already facing with your sobriety. Of course she is going to keep you a secret. Apparently her family knows of your past and she doesn’t want to rock the boat with them or she’s embarrassed to be associated with you. Although you don’t allude to it, if it’s an issue, she may very well be struggling to stay drug-free herself. You have more important things to worry about, like staying clean.
You can’t exchange one obsession for another and you most certainly can’t continue to subject yourself to such a negative environment and expect to continue successfully down the road to recovery. When you make a decision to take control of your life and rid yourself of a certain lifestyle, that includes the people you associate with who make things that much more difficult to do so. You want unconditional love and respect with no lies or secrets? At this juncture in your life-healing-rebuilding process, get a puppy because you’re not yet ready for a relationship.
Each week in the Sunday Register, “Ask Eda” features two questions and answers on all things related to human interaction — love, dating, relationships, families and the workplace. Readers can email relationship questions to firstname.lastname@example.org, or mail Ask Eda, Sandusky Register, 314 W. Market St., Sandusky, OH 44870.
Advice columnist Eda M. Handly left her job in the legal industry to start a life-coaching and relationship-advice business based in Sandusky. Her website is love-sources.com.