It took almost the whole year, but I finally fulfilled my 2013 New Year’s Resolution, thanks in part to one of my many, yes many, delusions of grandeur. Particularly the delusion that allows me to fancy myself as a writer, which is why I made the resolution to, at long last, finish my first novel.
Surprised? So was I. Especially when I read it was about a whale.
Usually when it comes to making New Year’s resolutions, I’m not very good at keeping them. For example, 36 years after the resolution I made when I was 17 to start smoking, I quit.
Same with gambling and drinking, two more New Year’s resolutions that after 36 years or more, I didn’t keep.
Just about all of the origins of the New Year’s resolution from ancient Babylonian times to the Medieval Era make the point that the resolution is made to signify a new beginning.
That would make Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam the uncrowned king of resolutions, as he will hire for his second full season as owner his second new head coach to lead the Browns, under his leadership, to a new second beginning.
Actually, the next Browns head coach will be the third under Haslam. That’s right! During his brief 14 and a half months of owning the team, he fired Pat Shurmur a mere 364 days before he fired Rob Chudzinski, before bringing in the next coach hired to be fired.
Meanwhile the Browns division rivals have the opposite problem. They can’t seem to fire a head coach. Baltimore’s John Harbaugh has been there since ’08, Pittsburgh Steelers Mike Tomlin since ’07 and Cincinnati’s Marvin Lewis has been in “The Jungle” since ’03.
This why I am not in charge, part I. I would have become the first NFL owner to fire a coach during a game when Chudzinski — with a 4–11 record — decided with 1:10 left in the first half, behind 14-0 and a 4th and 17 on Pittsburgh’s 33 yard line to punt the football.
Yup. 33 yards from a possible 6 points, 50 yards from a possible 3 points and nothing on the line except pride, The Chud punted.
And take the coach with you.
This why I am not in charge, part II. If illusionists David Copperfield and David Blaine can make this, that and everything disappear, then Haslam should hire one of them so they can coach the Browns to magically make the football, Abracadabra, disappear then, Abracadabra, reappear in the end zone.
The main problem for the Browns when it comes to hiring head coaches is they can’t hire head coaches.
Every coach they’ve hired since their return in 1999 has been a rookie “Learn While They Earn” first-year head coach in the NFL. I don’t believe Haslam, who wants taxpayers to pay to refurbish the stadium that they bought and paid for while he got the money for the naming rights, will pay the money it takes to hire someone with previous head coaching experience such as Lovie Smith, Ken Wisenhunt or Jack Del Rio.
Perhaps Haslam should revisit the history of New Year’s resolutions that started in ancient Babylonian times so Browns fans welcome a new beginning. Again. Of course, if they don’t then maybe I can renew, smoke, drink and gamble the resolutions that I broke six years ago.
By the way, when you hear people say: “Year after year same old Browns” Here are the facts to prove them wrong.
• 2008: 4-12
• 2009: 5-11
• 2010: 5-11
• 2011: 4-12
• 2012: 5-11
• 2013: 4-12
Oops! Turns out they are the same old, same old. For Browns fans it is ... “Happy Same Old Year!”