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Cut your losses and run

Eda M. Handly • Jul 3, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Q: My baby’s father and I have had an off and on again relationship for 2 years. When I found out I was pregnant, I moved home two hours away from him since we lived in a college town. His friends and family do not like me, but have never met me, just what they have heard. Suddenly, after a big fight he said was done with me for good and we can just be friends. The distance has really been hard on us. He says things have just gotten too bad. I had him meet my family, go to all my appointments, and now he just wants to be my friend and be there for the baby. I want him back so bad but nothing seems to work. He says he wants to be there for the baby but he has no plans. He still lives in a college frat house and doesn’t know how he is going to see him. It's hard going through the last part of this pregnancy alone, and I can't help but feel a little used and dropped when things got rough. I can't be his friend and he refuses to see me or talk to me. He says he only needs to listen to his family. He completely turned on me. Any advice?

A: He only needs to listen to his family? If his family is telling him to turn his back on you and a baby he helped to create, I don’t think those are the kind of people I would want around my child. And if he’s that brainwashed, I wouldn’t be fighting so hard to keep him.  It’s not going to be easy for you, but you need to suck it up and move on. Not only for yourself but for your baby. I once told another girl this same thing: Be sure to get a DNA test and get the child support order. He won’t be living in a frat house for long. It’s time for both of you to wake up to the cold, hard reality of life. You can’t make him love you or your child, but you can legally make him take responsibility.

Q: My boyfriend and I have been officially dating for three months. He recently fell back into a depression, and broke up with me a few days ago only to change his mind a few minutes later after talking for a while about it. Ever since then he hasn’t told me that he loves me because he "wants to be sure of it" when he says it. He said he'll try to get through this for me but that he might be losing feelings and we might be hoping for something that may not happen. He said that he lost feelings quicker in past relationships but lasted longer with me, and fell in love with me, etc. What can I do to try to make this better? We're both trying and today decided to try to pretend it never happened, but it’s hard since he's been pushing me away a little more and has been sad. I really want to try to make this okay again.

A: You can make this all better by cutting your losses and running far, far away. The last thing you need is a guy who is not only depressed but his emotions completely depend on which way the wind is blowing.  You can’t fix him and you can’t make everything okay. And if you think you love someone after three months, you need to work on fixing yourself first. If he’s not the man you want today, he’s not going to be that man tomorrow.

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