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So I met this drummer

Eda M. Handly • May 23, 2013 at 6:10 AM

Q: I am 18 years old and have been dating a 31-year-old man for eight months. I am extremely in love with him but our relationship doesn't seem to work out! His grandma and his cousin just died and he is having a hard time dealing with it. He’s acting colder than ever! He has always been disrespectful to me and I have been meaning to break up with him for around four months. This was an unhealthy, manipulating relationship but I still have a feeling we can fix it if we just take a break. I am so lost. I kind of broke up with him this morning but now I am as lost as ever!

A: Regardless of what you have heard, age does matter. He’s nearing mid-life and you’re barely legal. The two of you are at completely different junctures. He’s more than likely trying to move up his career ladder and you have probably just graduated high school. You can’t even order a drink at the bar! Unless you’re looking to be a trophy on his arm, he’s not your guy. An older man dates a younger woman either because she is extremely attractive and he needs a very large ego boost or he wants someone young enough to mold into his “perfect partner.” Aside from that, you admit the entire relationship was manipulating and unhealthy. I just know you could feel that mold forming to every inch of your being. That’s why you have wanted to break things off for some time. This isn’t about the tragic circumstances in his life. His treatment of you isn’t something new, only magnified with recent events. You need a break all right, permanently. Meet other people and experience all life has to offer. You have your whole life ahead of you. While you’re making the most out of each new experience and on the path to self-discovery, he will be the creepy 40-year-old guy at the club scoping out college co-eds.  

Q: I recently went out of town for about five days and was staying with my cousin and her roommates, who are all in a band. I've known most of her roommates for years now, including the drummer. He's always been really sweet and cute and such a fun guy to be around but we had never talked much until I was there for my visit. When he was showing interest in me I got excited because he's such a great guy. We basically spent two nights secretly hooking up after he had told me how much he liked me and I told him the same. We've still been talking ever since I came back to where I live (which is about four hours away) and he's basically been telling me not to worry about the distance and that we can still be together and all that. What really worries me though is that I like him so much and we have so much in common, but I've never even considered a long distance relationship. Is it worth it?

A: Not to put a damper on your current feelings of ecstasy but why does a two-day rendezvous with a really cool guy need to turn into an instant “relationship?” He’s not remotely considering that what you had will turn into long-term. He’s a drummer, in a band. He has girls falling over him at every gig! I’m not saying don’t enjoy yourself. I am saying don’t try to make this into something it’s not. Have fun and just let things happen. This isn’t the start of a beautiful relationship. It’s a good time with a different kind of guy that may turn into more. But I doubt it.

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