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I'm moving in with my boyfriend

Eda M. Handly • May 15, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Q: I have been with my boyfriend for a little over seven months and we just signed our lease. I really love him and have never been so in sync with someone before. I feel nervous to move in with him. Am I wrong to be nervous because of the way my last relationship ended? I moved in with the last guy after five months. We were together for two years and he left me for another woman. My current guy is a different person, very affectionate and tender and I can see my future with him. Am I crazy to be nervous just because of my only other experience ended badly? I know it's not fair to my current boyfriend but I can't help but be anxious.

A: You’re not crazy for being nervous but you’re not being rational either. No, it’s not fair to your current boyfriend. It may work out and it may not but that is completely up to the two of you. I can almost guarantee it won’t work if you continually fear things beyond your control. A guy doesn’t move in with you because he has intentions to break your heart. He obviously sees a future with you as well. Don’t make him go running in the opposite direction because you’re insecure and paranoid. Dwelling on your past will only result in missing out on your future.

Q: I've known my partner for three years. I've been in a long distance relationship with him for one year. Lately we've both been fighting and getting mad over the small things. The distance really separates us. But he's been there for me giving me good advice through tough times. He can be a very nice person. 

A couple of months ago he was kicked out of his house for drinking and getting into arguments with his dad. I'm pretty sure my partner has undiagnosed bipolar. His mom is terminally ill and has bad health. He's really depressed and he doesn't have anybody.

A few weeks ago he got drunk and started to threaten suicide. I called him up (he was threatening to cut himself, yelling over the phone) and I was telling him to not hurt himself. A few days passed by and his landlord told him to tell me, "Don't be mean to him, be nice to him, we can hear it when he yells." I don't think we had an argument since then. 

Today he told me that he has until the end of the month to get out of his basement because his landlords think he's no good and causes trouble because they overheard him yelling about cutting himself. I can't help but to feel so guilty. 

He broke up with me. I woke up crying and called him trying to tell him that I love him and I miss him. He has been the only person I've spoken to for a full year. I can't just erase him out of my life. I'm very attached to him. 

He wants to get back together. I want to as well but the guilt is going to eat at me. He is going to be homeless because of me. I can't help but to feel incredibly guilty. I don't know what to tell him. I love him but I feel like I'm causing too many problems for him. I feel like I'm holding him back and I've cost him his apartment and now he has nowhere to go. I seriously feel absolutely terrible. 

I don't know what to tell him. I want to get back together with him but I don't because I just feel too guilty for what I've done.

A: Whoa! There are so many things wrong with this situation I’m not sure where to begin. How about we start with the fact that you cannot take responsibility for his current catastrophe. It’s not your fault he drinks uncontrollably. It’s not your fault he is losing his home. And it’s certainly not your fault he feels so miserable and inept that he threatens to hurt himself. He may very well have bipolar disorder but I’m not a doctor and it’s not your problem. I would wager that his drinking is the more likely culprit for all of his woes. This guy is a train wreck waiting to happen. He broke up with you. Easiest way out ever! You can take the opportunity and run as far away as you can from the tracks or you can lay there with your hands and feet bound by guilt you don’t own, and wait for one his psychotic episodes to run right over the last bit of dignity you have remaining.

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