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My friend dates a controlling guy

Eda M. Handly • May 1, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Q: My best friend is dating a controlling 31 year-old guy. He always goes out alone while insisting she stay at home. Since we go to the same places I have seen him dancing with lots of girls and I have told her twice. She says it’s ok even though I don’t think she trusts him. But she will always ask me if I run into him and if I saw him with other girls. Finally, I stopped telling her because I don’t want to hurt her. Recently, I met them out and he left angry. I was just having fun with my friend and he accused me of disrespecting him because I didn’t talk to him. He used my best friend’s email and told me to apologize and said if I don’t she will not talk to me again. Do you think I have to apologize to maintain our relationship? I haven't done anything wrong. It’s not fair that he is getting in between us and she is letting him!

A: Let’s see, apologize to a manipulative, 31-year-old man who acts like he’s still in high school or keep your dignity? Just because he controls her every move doesn’t mean he can micro-manage you as well. I understand she’s your friend and you care about her, but she’s not going to pull her head out of the sand until she’s good and ready. Unfortunately, there really isn’t much you can do about that. But why on earth would you dream of giving him any more power than he already has over the situation? If she wants to surrender to his narcissistic and abusive ploys, that’s her choice but you certainly don’t have to bow down to him like some subservient disciple. And you shouldn’t. Ever. The second you do, his meat hooks only sink in deeper giving them both confirmation that his behavior is acceptable.

Q: I have dated women from 30 to 20 years old over the last three years. My last relationship was with a 24 year-old, however, I am not looking for sex. I don't know what it is with me but girls seem to just want to have sex with me. I'm not against it but I am respectful and brought up with old traditions. I want a nice relationship without it being surrounded with sex. My dad and mom have been disappointed with me because I haven't dated anyone for seven months. Although I have tried, my friends say I’m messed up for not doing it with certain girls I have turned down. I don't think I am strange but maybe I am. I just think that women should be respected and not treated as tools or sex objects. I am just a 20-year-old looking for advice on what I should be expecting and if I'm asking too much.

A: Since when does having sex with a woman equate to disrespecting her or treating her like a sex object? I hate to break it to you but sex is an extremely important part of any relationship. Two people who are incompatible sexually cannot possibly stay in a happy, healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. And at 20 years old the last thing that should be on your mind is a relationship. That will come in time. This isn’t to say you should be collecting every notch on your bedpost that is thrown your way but I am saying live a little! Also understand, in this day and age, women are very comfortable with their sexuality, which is nothing to be ashamed of. So please, don’t set us back 50 years! Our perception is our reality and sometimes we have to simply change our perception in order to change our reality. If you’re not against having sex, maybe you should try it. I’m quite sure your perception will rapidly change.


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