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Am I just being used?

Eda M. Handly • Apr 24, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Q: I have been talking to someone for seven months. We have been acting like a couple hanging out, holding hands, kissing etc. We haven't had sex yet, but we have messed around. I asked him what our status was and he said that he had good intentions with me but didn't really have a solid answer. We stopped talking for around a month recently because of a huge misunderstanding. We finally started talking again and went on another date. I asked him again about “us” and he said we had a really good friendship going on and he didn't want to ruin anything if it didn't work out. But at the same time he said he wanted to be official because we aren't able to see each other everyday, we go to different schools, and have common friends. I told him that I didn't want to be used and he said if he didn't care about me, he wouldn't have stuck around for so long. He is a really quiet reserved person and when he’s with me, I honestly feel like he’s himself. I guess you can say were pretty comfortable with each other. But am I just being used? Does he honestly not want to ruin our friendship?

A: He has good intentions all right. Unfortunately, they’re completely self-serving and have nothing to do with saving your friendship. He’s sticking around and willing to make it official in hopes that eventually, you will offer up the forbidden fruit on a silver platter. Then, after he gets what he wants, he will make the excuse that your “friendship” is ruined and it just wasn’t meant to be. Don’t fall for that old hat trick! If your instinct is telling you he may be using you, don’t ignore it. A guy who is truly into you wouldn’t be so indecisive as to where you stand with him after seven months.  


Q: I was surfing the Net and by chance came across some articles about how to date a married man, letters asking for advice on how to survive being cheated on, and forum posts about husbands’ affairs with other men. It has me so worried. So many people cheat and lie! The women are so hurt and confused. I'm so scared my boyfriend will turn out like one of the guys I've read about. How do I deal with the fear and worry? I love him so much, I'd be heartbroken.


A: If you came across all this by chance, I’m super curious what your search terms were! Never the less, it’s obviously on your mind. So, either he has given you signs that he may be on the down low, other indications that he can’t be trusted, or you’re incalculably insecure and jealous. Yes, there are many vile individuals out there who don’t have the courage, much less do they care to close one door before opening another. But for every sorry excuse for a partner that is out there, there is a decent one waiting to be found. Trust is something that grows over time in your relationship. Some of which is given in good faith, but most of which is earned. But be warned, if you doubt him without reason it will eventually cause unnecessary tension and resentment. And if you continue to fear, worry, and/or accuse him of something without just cause, you may inadvertently create a motive that never even existed.


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