Q: I feel wonderful when a good relationship starts yet I can’t help but get sad because I feel it will end soon or I will get hurt if I give it 100%. As happens with many of us, you give 100% and then they hurt you. It’s as if I have a wall barrier between them and me and it hurts me so much that I can’t relax and enjoy what I have. Some people are wonderful, caring, loving and they deserve to have my true warm feelings, yet I can't help it. In my mind are many thoughts; "what ifs," "whens," and "hows" about the relationship and this is not allowing me to be there and open up my heart truly with the person.
I want to, but it’s so hard. I was with my bf and we were having such a nice time and there is a big possibility he might leave for another country to work. I kept thinking on how it will hurt us both if he does leave and I got so tense and sad. The thing is I don’t want to be come across as being obsessed with this issue of the future because he thought about it too and had thoughts about whether to start our relationship or not. We finally did, and he just said we will live the present and then we will see were it goes.
I know everything can turn out great and he can stay or we can leave together if all goes well, however, I just can’t relax with it all. I’m afraid of something and don’t know exactly what.
A: Wondering and worrying about the future of any situation can cause you to question and second-guess, which turns to doubt and fear. Next thing you know your walking around with a monotone voice, spewing negativities and people begin referring to you as Eeyore. Only difference is you won’t be considered as adorable and no one will want to be around you. He’s already given you a positive reaction to the possibilities by beginning a relationship. If he had any doubts, I would imagine he would have ended it. No man (or woman for that matter) wants to have to constantly reassure his partner, it’s exhausting. If you need that much from him or any man, you shouldn’t be in a relationship. Stop being such a Debbie Downer, enjoy the time you have together, and go with the flow. Whatever happens, you will be right where you are supposed to be.
Q: I am a high school student from Ohio and I am in desperate need of professional advice. I was in a four-month relationship with a girl that I truly loved. I know what you're thinking, four months, big deal. But I can honestly tell you that I did actually love her, I get emotionally attached to people very easily. It was my first girlfriend and I didn't know much coming in to the relationship. Actually, after getting some experience I learned that I was her rebound. Anyways, the relationship was great. I did everything for her and she treated me well, too. As the relationship progressed I felt unappreciated, and that I deserved better. She treated me worse, did less things for me, and I always had to text first, ask to hang out first, and whenever I showed her how much I loved her it was almost as if I was talking to a wall. She didn't show me that she loved me anymore. On Valentine's Day, I was dumped. What a great way to end my first relationship, right? No, I felt crushed and useless. A few days later she came running back and I made the poor decision to take her back because I loved her. Needless to say that didn't last long and she quickly rebounded again to another relationship. I haven't been in contact with her for about a month because I was told to leave her alone. Eda, I love this girl unconditionally even though she’s broken my heart. I find myself crying almost every day; in school, on vacation, in the car, during a sports practice, and basically every night before I go to bed. I am so miserable and crushed that someone can just take my feelings and throw them on the ground. Especially when I treated her like a true gentleman. Eda, I don't know what to do, I want her back so bad, but I feel like she’s madly in love with this new guy, who is filling her perceived flaws of mine. I admit I do have things to work on, and I would do anything to have her back, but I'm giving her some space. I miss everything about her, and I really miss her family. What do I do? Should I try to get her back even though how poorly I was treated and even though she was texting this guy during my relationship with her (I don't even know if I was cheated on or not, she did lie to me the day we broke up about this guy)? Or should I move on, which I've been trying to but I just don't know how. Some people say that you never get over your first love and I don't want that for me. All of this crying isn't helping and my family is going through a very tough time right now. I'm so depressed that I just want to be alone. I also think that I will go into the army after college. I'm pretty sure that I'm so depressed that I’m not making rational choices and I’m just throwing my life away because I've lost what meant the most to me. Please Eda, help me. I hate all of this crying, men should not cry like this. I am so ashamed of myself.
A: I am so sorry you're having such a hard time. And I wasn't at all thinking four months is no big deal. For a first relationship when you fall in "love" it most certainly can be. Though I can tell you that not all first loves are the hardest. Actually, each one can have just as much an impact as another. Trust me! Don't let that scare you though. I have had my heart broken more times than I care to count. But I have grown so much because of each and every one. And you will too! The first thing you need to do is stop pushing away family, friends, and new people. These are the people who are going to be there for you. They can be your pillars of strength. Now, you've cried enough. It's time to wipe your face, throw some water on it, and look at that handsome face in the mirror and tell yourself you are going to be ok!
You recognized this girl was treating you badly and you even say you felt you deserved better, yet you continued to chase after her. Only then to be dumped and take her back to be dumped again. There is a lesson to learn from this experience. There is a lesson to learn in every experience! Just make sure you don't repeat the same pattern in the future.
Let me tell you, true love is a wonderful experience. However, sometimes we have to have our heart broken in order to truly appreciate it when we find it. And it really sucks but sometimes, people will rip our heart out of our chest and spit on it before it hits the floor. You're so very young and you have so much more to experience! You don't want this girl back. She's not good enough for you. The right girl will come along one day and she will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. When you do find true love, it won't require you to chase it. Dust yourself off and stop crying over someone who isn't thinking twice about you. You deserve so much more than that! It gets easier sweetie, but you have to make an effort and find the strength within yourself.