Q: There's a lot going on in my relationship, my girlfriend is amazing and it's so good that it seems unreal. I haven’t been able to see her or her newborn since she gave birth and I’m not a bad person at all, I’m just busy. Its making me think too much about her because what else am I going to do? This seems like the most real relationship I have ever been in and I’ve learned from my past. I have some problems with the past, I mean my ex has cheated on me sexually with 9 different people and even after that I fought to be with her. I don’t understand why I don’t "go 100" for my girlfriend now. She’s not done anything wrong. I feel like a real jerk for some of the things that I’ve done. I never hurt her, but plenty of times, even during the finest nights, I left her. And currently how it is, I can bet she’s crying since we haven’t seen each other since the 14th. And most of the reason I don’t want to be with her is a recent thought about her past that bothers me, and it being involved in her present. She says that she hasn’t done anything with anyone and I believe her except for if she’s been talking to anyone else I would have no clue. I really love this girl and she’s always fought for me to stay every time this happens. The last thing she said to me that really made me feel like I’m doing something wrong was: “Brian, please don't go. I’m not as good at words as you are and besides my mind's going insane right now. I wish I had the answers to everything, wish I could make you happy 24/7. Truth is you always make me happy and if you stay you will make the baby as happy as I am when you’re around. She needs you as much as I do, even more I know you can't be here like you want and that hurts me too. If we wait, we could have the best future ever baby, I promise. I can seriously see you as my husband. Down the road I would want another kid with the best daddy ever. I love you and I will always even if you're not there.”
I don’t know what to do. We’ve only been dating since January but I love her, and the baby even though she’s not mine, and I do see her in my future too. I’m only 21, I am a full time student, I just started a full time job, I have a gym membership, I’m joining the boxing club in the summer, I have a life, and with a girlfriend who has a newborn it's just too much! Especially because I can't see her. I need advice but I would more like a solution to help me not worry about things that are only possibilities.
A: So your last girl cheated on you? Of course you would have trust issues. However, those disappear over time. Of which, you clearly did not give yourself long enough to deal with those issues. You want a solution to your current dilemma? Tell her you’re not ready for this commitment. For goodness sake, you have more going on than any typical, 21-year-old wants or needs at this point in his life. You are correct in one thing, with everything that you do have going on, a girlfriend with a newborn is just too much! You have only been dating this girl for three months and she has her baby calling you “daddy?” Are you kidding me? And she is talking about marriage and having another one? Don’t walk, run! You sound like you have it together and as if you’re truly beginning to build a life for yourself but you made a big mistake by getting involved with someone who just had a baby. Not only is she young, insecure and certainly afraid to raise a baby all alone, her new-found motherly instincts and out-of-control hormones are screaming, “Save me!” to the first Schmoe who will give her a second look. Get out while you can. Three months is not nearly long enough to fall in love, nor should you feel bad about making a clean break when thrown into an abyss of responsibility that does not belong to you. As cold as it may sound, that is not your child and she should not even attempt to make it seem as if you are doing anything wrong or try to manipulate you into believing the two of you can have a future. Where is the “man” who helped create this baby? Doesn’t matter, it’s not your problem. Marriage and a family will come to you when you are ready. Right now, you’re not even close to being ready to settle down with a girl and a child that isn’t yours. Stay in school, work hard, and do everything you want to do. You don’t owe anyone anything and you certainly aren’t responsible for someone else’s mistake. You do, however, owe it to yourself to make your life everything you want it to be and not feel the least bit guilty about it.