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I wouldn't cheat, but he's talking marriage

Anonymous • Mar 13, 2013 at 3:00 PM

Q: I'm in a committed relationship with my boyfriend. I've known him for two years and we have been dating around six months. I love him. He's amazing. He's perfect. But I recently started going back to school. Well, since I've been at school I met someone else. This guy is sweet and I didn't notice how much I liked him until today. My best friend noticed it too. I would never cheat on my boyfriend but now he is talking about marriage, moving in together this summer, and settling down. But I’m not the type to settle down. I just don't know what to do. I feel terrible for liking this other guy. Any advice?

A: You should never feel terrible for being honest with yourself and the way you feel. However, you should feel awful if you’re not being honest with your boyfriend. If your current boyfriend is talking marriage and you know for a fact this isn’t what you want, you better chime up before the church bells start ringing. This doesn’t mean you have to tell him you’re attracted to another guy, but you have to at least tell him you’re not ready to settle down and commit. If you were, you would be concentrating solely on your schoolwork without interruption. This isn’t something to feel guilty about. At least you realized it before succumbing to the pressures of doing something you really don’t want to do. You’re further ahead than most. Tell your boyfriend the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts but it hurts a lot more when kept a secret.

Q: So my boyfriend and I of nine months were driving in the car the other night and he randomly asked me if we ever broke up if we would still be friends. I started to cry when he asked because it caught me off guard. I asked why he was bringing this up and he said because he had just seen his cousin and her boyfriend of three years go through a very bad break up. He said he never wanted to see that happen to us. I asked him if he was happy and he said yes, that he wasn't going anywhere but it still makes me nervous. He said that one day we can be married and engaged but he said just in case I ever had to move somewhere or if he had to go somewhere he wanted to make sure we would at least be friends and never talk bad about each other. This scares me! It makes me really insecure now. We talked about it and the next day he was acting all normal, like nothing happened. I know if something was wrong he would tell me but I'm not sure this is normal to talk about it in a relationship.

A: Such a statement can catch you off guard and I understand why it has left you confused and maybe a little hurt wondering when the other shoe is going to drop. However, I am a firm believer in discussing hypotheticals. And it’s human nature to view what our peers go through and wonder “what if?” I’m sure seeing his cousin have such a hard time has his wheels turning significantly. Whose wouldn’t? When you see certain things happen to people you care about, it only makes it that much closer to reality that it could happen to you. I would be more concerned if he didn’t talk to you about things that concern him. The day he doesn’t speak his mind, ask questions, and want to have heart-to-heart conversations, then you should be worried. It’s perfectly normal to talk about “what ifs” in a relationship. It better prepares you both in the event something unforeseen does happen. At least you have discussed it prior to. More people should talk about these things. Frankly, I don’t think it’s normal not to.

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