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His ex-girlfriend is back and I'm worried

Anonymous • Jan 9, 2013 at 3:10 PM

Q: My boyfriend and I have been together eight months and we live together. We have been perfect since we got together, nothing but a few little nitpick arguments here and there. He has been perfectly open about his exes, more specifically the one he was on-and-off with for ten months. I hoped to never have to deal with the situation of her coming back into his life, but that nightmare has come true. He finally told me that she contacted him out of nowhere and she was in town. The main message was about her wanting some things back that she left here. He offered to give them to someone that she assigns to drop by and pick them up. But, she continued the conversation with how she wanted to be friends and put things on good terms. So they continued talking last night. Now, I normally wouldn't care that much if I wasn't told that she will go after him regardless if he's in a relationship or not. I was also told that she's manipulated him multiple times to come back to her. He has even left another girl for her. I am extremely uncomfortable with this situation. I am not the kind of person to tell him he can't talk to her. I know I trust him. It's her that I don't trust. But I don't want her manipulating him again or trying to ruin our relationship. All of his friends and even his sister are still friends with her so this situation is already awkward enough for him. I don't know what to do. I'm caught in a situation that I would never choose to be in and don't know how to get myself out without ruining our otherwise perfect relationship.

A: You have every right to feel the way you do considering her history. And you’re right, you should never tell him he “can’t” do anything. But you can say, “I’d prefer if you didn’t.” Given the history with this girl, he should understand and more importantly respect where you’re coming from. You trust him, but does he trust himself? She obviously had some twisted hold on his heart if she kept popping in and out of his life and influenced him to some extent in the past. It’s in everyone’s best interest to keep Suzie Home Wrecker at an arm’s length. He has to be the one to recognize this and let her know that it’s no longer acceptable to swoop into his life because she needs a pick-me-up. If he has moved on, it’s time for her to do the same. She’s not looking for peaceful closure or to be friends, she wants to see how deep she can plant her manipulative hook into him again. When we’re in a relationship, we refrain from putting ourselves in a situation that could lead to any future confusion. An inevitable line could be crossed that makes our significant other uncomfortable for very valid reasons. The other friends are irrelevant and it only becomes awkward if he makes it that way. Frankly, he needs to grow a spine and not allow others to interfere in his personal affairs. He should set up a time and place to return her property and that should be the end of the conversation. There’s no need nor should there be any desire to catch up or be on “good terms” with an old flame.


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