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BLOG: Please support Newt Gingrich for president

Tom Jackson • Aug 3, 2011 at 11:49 AM

The race for the Republican nomination for the party's 2012 presidential candidate is under way. I'm not a Republican, but I have a favorite candidate, anyway: Newt Gingrich.

You might think that I'd support Ron Paul or Gary Johnson, as they are the candidates who most closely mirror my opinions. Paul and Johnson support peace with other countries instead of war, ending the war on drugs, abolishing the abuses of the Department of Homeland Security, and so on. These positions are too sensible for the American electorate and virtually guarantee neither gentleman will move into the Oval Office.

So, if we can't get a rational GOP national leader, can we at least get a president who will entertain us while Washington is ruining our lives?

Gingrich clearly can fill that role. This is the guy who brags to the press about his 1.3 million Twitter followers, while neglecting to mention that most of them are fakes.

(To be fair, the alternative explanation is that 1,326,118 Americans like to read Tweets such as, "The wrestling club had great brats and sauerkraut at the Mitchell County Fair. Met the wrestling coach from U of Northern Iowa.")

His entire campaign staff quit en masse because his current (i.e., his third) wife wouldn't let him campaign hard. ("Campaign sources say the candidate’s top aides also were upset over Callista Gingrich’s control over the campaign schedule, including her refusal to allow early-morning departures for campaign events because she insisted she needed time to have her hair done.")

Gingrich began his affair with Wife No. 3, 23 years his junior, while he was pushing to have Bill Clinton impeached for having an affair and covering it up.

So was he having an affair with a young blonde because, well, that's what men do? Of course not. It's because he loves his country and works too hard, that's why! ("There’s no question at times of my life, partially driven by how passionately I felt about this country, that I worked far too hard and things happened in my life that were not appropriate.")

If Newt is elected president, all sorts of government nonsense might be short circuited, or at least delayed, by the new first lady. Imagine Newt trying to convene a cabinet meeting to double the size of the Department of Homeland Security but having to cancel because it conflicts with his wife's afternoon tea.

I also look forward to seeing what the new first lady's pet projects will be. No offense, Michelle Obama, but I'll bet Callista Gingrich's programs will be more interesting than getting kids to eat their vegetables.

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